How a Chaotic Road Trip Strengthened My Marriage

Updated: June 21, 2021
Originally Published: June 21, 2021
Image Credit: urbazon/Getty Images

On a sweltering summer Sunday in 2019, my husband — a 50-year-old lawyer typically donned in a suit and tie — found himself sprawled out on the sun-baked pavement of a gas station, alongside me on the other side of our Honda Fit. We were both peering under the car, trying to figure out the source of a strange flapping noise.

“It looks like some screws might have come loose,” Mark said, pointing to a large shield hanging precariously between the front tires. It was a relief to identify the problem, given our complete lack of automotive knowledge. I held onto a hope that we wouldn’t break down in the middle of Michigan’s rural expanse, nor would we lose any more precious time.

We were already running behind schedule. Mark’s childhood friend, Tim, was getting married to a woman from the Dominican Republic. Tim owned a bar there but primarily lived and worked in Nashville. We received a last-minute invitation to the wedding at a vineyard four hours away, which left us scrambling. The exact time of the ceremony was still uncertain until shortly before we left. “It’s either four or four-thirty,” Tim had told Mark. “I’ll confirm.”

We exchanged bemused glances, recalling our own wedding nearly 16 years prior, held in an Ann Arbor movie theater, where we screened “When Harry Met Sally” before the ceremony. Our relationship had endured a decade of ups and downs, including periods of long-distance while I pursued graduate studies. Those separations had been transformative, leading to growth that helped us navigate our twenties and early thirties as a couple.

These days, when frustrations arise, we don’t question, “Can I live with this?” Instead, we think, “I am living with this. How can we work through it?” My car likely shared this sentiment, as the undercarriage continued to thump rhythmically when we hit the road again. I finally voiced what we were both thinking: “This trip feels like it’s cursed.”

In addition to the car troubles, Mark had lost his wallet just two days prior, making him reliant on me for driving and expenses. To top it all off, we had started late, wrestling our two daughters into the car and driving half an hour in the wrong direction to drop them off at their grandmother’s. Then, two hours into the trip, Mark suddenly exclaimed, “Oh no! I forgot my wedding clothes!” He had left a neatly pressed shirt, jacket, and tie hanging on our entryway closet doorknob.

As Mark muttered a string of expletives, an outlet mall appeared on the horizon, and I quickly veered toward the exit. Mark sighed as he navigated the racks in an American Eagle store. “These shirts are terrible,” he complained loudly while I tried to avoid the gaze of the staff. “I’ll look ridiculous in these! They’re not even my size! We’re gonna waste $80 on something I’ll never wear again!”

But moments later, I couldn’t help but smile as I handed over my credit card for a $37 patterned button-down that, while a bit snug, would do just fine with the khakis he already had on. “Finding this mall was perfect timing,” I said, feeling quite pleased with my quick thinking.

Mark remained in a sour mood, and I took it upon myself to feel proud of my little victory. It was easier for me to stay upbeat because I had both my wallet and the appropriate attire packed. But deeper down, I was yearning for a sense of competence in our everyday life. Since my abrupt layoff three years ago from a long-held position as an arts reporter, I had struggled to find meaningful work and felt like I was left behind in the professional world.

I often felt like a failure, as my freelance gigs provided only a modest income. Mark’s demanding law career was the sole reason we could keep up with our mortgage payments. As a feminist with a solid education, this reality weighed heavily on my self-esteem. Yet, on this chaotic day, I was reminded of my worth beyond just financial contributions.

Even as we raced to make it to the wedding, we detoured for fast food and picked up some last-minute wedding gifts — Michigan-made liquors to present to the couple in a white plastic Walmart bag. (“What are we, Kid Rock?” I joked.) We reached our roadside motel at 3:45 p.m., changed clothes, and rolled up the hill to Tim’s wedding at — you guessed it — 3:59.

It had been a rough day, but I couldn’t stop smiling. Why? As Mark Manson wrote in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, “Happiness comes from solving problems.” He’s spot on. Instead of hoping for a life devoid of challenges (which is unrealistic), true contentment comes from feeling equipped to navigate them.

Since my layoff, I had felt like a burden in our marriage, a washed-up version of myself with little value. But on this chaotic day in June, I tackled the obstacles thrown our way and somehow managed to get us to the wedding on time. Experiencing and overcoming a challenging day together can, surprisingly, reignite feelings of connection and vitality in a relationship.

As we finally caught our breath in two white folding chairs on that windy hill, we watched the bride arrive in a golf cart and held hands, pondering the meaning behind the couple’s vows, spoken entirely in Spanish.

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Summary

A chaotic road trip to a wedding served as an unexpected catalyst for strengthening my marriage. Confronted with car troubles, forgotten attire, and the pressures of family life, my husband and I faced numerous challenges that tested our resilience. Yet, overcoming these obstacles together deepened our connection and reminded me of my own worth beyond professional success. In the end, we arrived at the wedding just in time, reflecting on the value of teamwork in marriage, especially during trying times.

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