“You give kids a little bit of freedom, and they’ll take advantage of it.”
“Parents today are just too lenient. That’s why children lack respect.”
“Just wait until they hit their teenage years — they’ll walk all over you.”
These sentiments have echoed throughout my 17 years of parenting. I often see such comments in discussions surrounding parenting styles, particularly in response to those who allow their children to make their own sandwiches if dinner isn’t to their taste, or who take forgotten homework to school, or who negotiate bedtime.
I can relate to the concerns surrounding permissive parenting. Children certainly need structure and clarity about authority. Allowing kids free rein is not a viable approach to parenting. However, an authoritarian approach isn’t the answer either. There exists a balanced middle ground between chaos and a strict regime, and that is where our family thrives.
Finding Balance in Bedtime
Take bedtime as an example. I was once a staunch advocate for a 7:30 PM bedtime for our children. This worked well for a time, but as our two youngest developed into night owls, we had to reassess our approach. Our daughters, aged 8 and 12, share a room where they enjoy reading, chatting, and listening to stories well past our bedtime. Since they can manage their sleep, we’ve adapted to their natural tendencies.
My partner and I frequently seek our children’s opinions. We genuinely consider their thoughts, even unsolicited ones. When they present their reasoning, we listen. Of course, sometimes their logic is simply “becaaauuse!” In such cases, the discussion pauses until they can articulate a more reasonable argument. However, we encourage respectful debate and ensure they hear our perspectives too.
For instance, when my daughter wants additional screen time because she’s working on a book, we agree. If my son argues that he deserves equal screen time simply because his sister has more, we explain the distinction between writing and gaming — emphasizing that life isn’t always fair.
Valuing Their Voices
We aim for our children to understand that their voices matter. While they don’t always get their way, they know their feelings and opinions are valued. This approach also cultivates their negotiation and consultative skills, which will be invaluable as they mature.
Flexibility in our parenting style teaches our children to adapt as well. If they grow up under strict rules and absolute authority, how will they navigate the complexities of the real world? Contrary to the beliefs of many authoritarian parents, life isn’t rigid; it’s dynamic and requires adaptability. The future demands creativity and innovation, which can be stifled by excessive rigidity.
Moreover, maintaining flexibility prevents us from taking ourselves too seriously. While there’s a time for discipline, it doesn’t have to be constant. I have no intention of running our household like a military boot camp, and I doubt my kids want that either.
Embracing Conflict
It’s not about avoiding conflict or struggling to say no. We do say no, and our children express frustration. If they’re being unreasonable, we’re willing to pause the discussion until they can calm down and articulate their thoughts. I don’t automatically assume they’re wrong simply because they’re children.
Ultimately, my partner and I retain the final say, but that doesn’t mean we can’t listen to our children and integrate their input into our decision-making. Sometimes they come up with excellent solutions, particularly when we involve them in the problem-solving process.
So yes, we grant our kids a little freedom—sometimes an inch, sometimes even a foot. Surprisingly, they rarely take a mile. They show respect because they’ve been raised in an environment of mutual respect. With one child nearing the end of her teenage years and another about to enter them, neither shows signs of rebellion.
Conclusion
Our adaptable parenting style has proven effective for everyone involved. It allows us to maintain a strong connection with our children while equipping them with essential life skills. Having witnessed positive outcomes over the years, I would choose this path again without hesitation. If you’re curious about family planning, consider checking out our post on home insemination kits here. For more insights on pregnancy and family planning, visit this excellent resource.
In summary, flexible parenting fosters respect, encourages open dialogue, and prepares children for the complexities of life. It’s a balanced approach that benefits both parents and kids alike.