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I’m a proud “boy mom.” Growing up in a household filled with sisters, I always imagined having daughters. Now, with my sister and I raising four boys together, I can’t picture it any other way. People often ask if we’ll try for a girl, but honestly, we wouldn’t even know what to do with a girl at this point. Our homes are lively, hilarious, a bit stinky, and overflowing with love.
There are moments when being a boy mom feels like a relief, sparing us from some of the issues and societal pressures that girls face. However, today was one of those days when I was sharply reminded of the difficulties involved in raising good, respectful, and sensitive men.
A friend of mine, who is also a boy mom, shared a post on Facebook asking for recommendations for boy babysitters since her sons were interested in having one. My immediate thought was how beneficial it would be for young boys to have a kind, responsible older boy as a role model—someone who can chat about Pokémon, throw a baseball, and share a laugh over silly jokes. Most comments were supportive, with many sharing their own positive experiences with male babysitters. Even my mom, a high school teacher for over two decades, offered to help find some qualified candidates. However, my optimism about breaking outdated gender stereotypes was short-lived.
My friend sent me a screenshot of a private message she received from an acquaintance in response to her post:
“Hey…We were told by a very respectful family not to have boy sitters. For some reason, boy sitters can have a tendency to be more inappropriate with their words and actions. They are also more likely to ‘molest’ boys in ways that little ones don’t perceive as wrong or may not disclose.
Girls naturally possess a more nurturing spirit and can better discern situations that men simply don’t have the gift for. Think about how different it is for your boys to stay with your husband versus you… You can probably manage a clean house, read stories, craft, type recipes, and keep everything running smoothly. Not that men can’t… it’s just more natural for women. When I walk in after the boys have been with Andy, my thought is, ‘At least everyone is alive.’
I will say this isn’t always the case, obviously. But we’ve used family (and things can happen within families too, I understand) and neighbor girls who were close to their mothers for answers to any questions.
I’m a big picture thinker and consider EVERY person my boys come into contact with… Do they reflect Jesus? Do they guide my kids toward Jesus? Are they from a family we trust with shared values? It’s my job as a mom to equip them for the ‘battle’ of life. Everything we do as parents prepares them for their own battles.”
I read and re-read that message, struggling to comprehend how anyone, especially a woman and a mother, could hold such beliefs. I felt an urge to publicly confront her, but I didn’t want to turn my friend’s positive post into a contentious debate or give this woman a platform for her misguided views. So, I decided to express my thoughts here.
It’s troubling to pinpoint the most disturbing aspect of this woman’s message. She not only suggested that boys lack self-control and the ability to act appropriately around children, but she also claimed that men are inherently less nurturing and unfit for parenting and household responsibilities because “GOD DIDN’T GIVE THEM THOSE QUALITIES!” My husband and brother-in-law, who each actively participate in parenting and household tasks, would certainly disagree. Not to mention, her stipulation about only wanting her kids around individuals who “reflect Jesus” implies that even Jesus himself wouldn’t have been trusted to babysit her children.
I pondered long about the message this sends to our boys, who will eventually grow into men. Should we accept that they will inevitably become sexual deviants and negligent fathers? Should we teach them that they needn’t be equal partners in their future families simply because that’s how they were made?
The notion of “boys will be boys” is not only perilous, as it excuses poor behavior, but it also robs boys of the chance to become well-rounded men who are comfortable expressing their emotions and nurturing qualities. It reinforces outdated stereotypes that suggest women are best suited for domestic roles.
We’ve made significant strides toward gender equality in the workplace, but we must not overlook the necessity of equality for men in the home. How often is it mom who receives the first call from the school or the emails about bake sales and class parties? How often do we applaud men for taking on fundamental parenting roles such as changing diapers or dropping kids off at school? Simply keeping children alive should not set the standard for successful fathering.
It’s easy for me to assert that raising boys is simpler, and in many ways, it is. However, this idea of boys being “simpler” does them a disservice. Boys deserve complexity. They deserve high expectations. They deserve to be taught how to be good role models, caregivers, and fathers.
I take pride in my sons seeing their mother and aunt as lawyers, their female doctors, and now a female Vice President. But I also want them to witness men being engaged fathers and caregivers. I want them to learn about respect for women and the value of consent. I want them to understand that masculinity and manhood are not synonymous.
As a boy mom, I recognize the immense responsibility I have in shaping the next generation of good men. I hope my sons will be fortunate enough to encounter older boys who exemplify what it means to become such a man.
Every aspect of this woman’s message saddens me for our boys, but the most troubling part is that she, too, is a boy mom.
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Summary
This reflection addresses a troubling private message about male babysitters that perpetuates harmful stereotypes about boys and men. The author expresses frustration about the implications for raising boys in today’s society and the responsibility that comes with parenting. Emphasizing the need for positive male role models and nurturing fathers, the piece calls for a shift in how society views masculinity, encouraging a more balanced and inclusive perspective on gender roles in parenting.
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Keyphrase: Raising Respectful Boys
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