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I find it challenging to spend more than an hour with my mother. Our relationship has been rocky, especially during my teenage years. I was sexually abused by a family member on her side, and instead of offering me the protection I needed, she encouraged me to stay silent to maintain family harmony.
While she claims to regret her actions now and has expressed her sorrow numerous times, the truth is that change didn’t come until that family member passed away. For over twenty years, she spoke of this person as if they had never harmed me, neglecting the emotional toll it took on my life. To say she dismissed my feelings would be an understatement.
Trust between us was shattered. There were moments when I questioned whether I even wanted her in my life. Once I became a parent, I grappled with the thought of how someone could ignore such a serious matter concerning their own child. The protective instincts I felt were intense; even a child tossing a ball at my pregnant belly sent me into a protective rage. If someone were to hurt my child, I would fiercely defend them. Ignoring such actions would be unthinkable for me.
Given these feelings, even though the trauma occurred long ago, I’ve had to limit my time with my mother. She doesn’t have unrestricted access to my life. I decide when to see her and for how long. She understands that she cannot just drop by whenever she pleases. In fact, I have to mentally prepare myself for our visits.
Some might interpret this as holding a grudge, but I see it differently. This is about establishing a boundary. Everyone has the right to set boundaries that protect their emotional health. This could mean completely cutting ties with someone, seeing them infrequently, or simply saying no while keeping them in your life.
As the saying goes, we teach people how to treat us. My mother’s actions have shown me that I cannot trust her with my safety. My goal is not to punish her; it’s to protect myself.
Ultimately, we are our own guardians when it comes to mental health. It’s rare for someone who consistently causes you distress to change without intervention. We must advocate for ourselves, as we are the judges of our own lives, regardless of others’ opinions.
From the outside, it’s easy for someone not involved to suggest you should be more forgiving or accuse you of holding a grudge. However, the difference between protecting your well-being and harboring resentment is significant. Many individuals do not change, and recognizing that someone is harming you—mentally or physically—gives you the freedom to choose to distance yourself from them.
I teach my children that they are responsible for their own happiness. I want them to understand that if they don’t defend themselves, no one else will.
I maintain a strict boundary with my mother, but that doesn’t mean anyone else has to adopt the same approach. After a decade of internal struggle, I’ve realized that just because she has apologized over time doesn’t mean I owe her my full presence in my life. My mental peace is too precious to compromise. If that makes it seem like I’m holding a grudge to others, so be it. They aren’t experiencing the anxiety and discomfort I feel in her presence—I am.
We need to embrace the importance of setting boundaries without feeling ashamed for prioritizing our own well-being. Each person has the right to live by their own rules in their relationships. Let others think you are holding a grudge; this is a form of self-care, and you owe no one an explanation for your decisions.
For additional insight into related topics, check out this blog post for a deeper understanding of boundaries in relationships, or explore this resource for expert guidance on fertility journeys. For comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination, this site serves as an excellent resource.
Summary:
Setting boundaries is essential for protecting your mental health, especially in relationships that have caused emotional harm. It’s crucial to distinguish between holding a grudge and taking necessary steps to safeguard your well-being. Everyone deserves to establish limits that prioritize their happiness, and it’s okay if others misunderstand your choices.
Keyphrase:
Boundary setting in relationships
Tags:
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