What Pride Month Means To Me as a (Still) Closeted Queer Woman

Rainbow merchandise is everywhere—bags, flags, shirts, water bottles, hoodies, hats, and shoes. Pride Month is in full swing, yet in my home, it’s a different story. As a queer woman who remains in the closet, few people know my truth, which makes June a challenging time for me. This month highlights the gap between who I want to be and who I feel I am, making me feel stunted, silenced, and ashamed.

Growing Up Different

Growing up, I sensed that I was different. I lacked the intimacy and passion that my peers seemed to embody. Relationships didn’t hold the same allure for me; I wasn’t drawn to the typical romantic narratives that captivated many. I found little joy in shows like “Friends,” “90210,” or “Dawson’s Creek.” While I dated boys and entertained the idea of romance—dreaming of being swept away by Prince Charming—my attraction to them was minimal, almost nonexistent. The number of boys I found appealing could easily be counted on one hand. Yet, I did fall in love with one boy, who is now my husband. Together, we built a family with two wonderful children.

Coming to Terms with My Identity

However, a sense of unfulfillment lingered within me, and last June, I finally opened up to my husband about it. “I think… I think I’m gay,” I confessed. Today, I identify as queer, but my circle of awareness is small.

My husband is aware, and we are navigating this new reality together with the help of counseling. My psychiatrist and therapist had picked up on my feelings before I did, and a few close friends know as well. But that’s where my openness ends, and living in silence is a daily struggle.

The Desire for Authenticity

I yearn to embrace my sexuality and, more importantly, my authentic self. I want to shout, “I’m here and queer!” and revel in the celebrations that fill the streets, like so many others do. I long to wear rainbow gear, even if it seems trivial, as a way to express who I truly am. I want to find belonging in a safe community of peers.

Instead, I find myself hiding in the shadows, expressing my support for the LGBTQ+ community as an outsider. It’s painful and disheartening. I often feel like a fraud, invisible amidst all the vibrant colors. Some days, the anger I feel toward myself has led me down dark paths. Yet, I also recognize that there are no specific rules or timelines for coming out; silence doesn’t erase my identity.

Changing My Narrative

While I may not be “loud and proud,” I’m still queer. This Pride Month, instead of wallowing in sadness, I’m changing my narrative. I’ll smile shyly when I see a rainbow flag, reminding myself that the LGBTQ community is my family, regardless of my closeted status. I will accept and love myself, even where I am in my journey. I don’t need banners to validate who I am or celebrate the fierce queer individual I’ve always been. I will silence the voices of shame and pain, and instead, acknowledge how far I’ve come. Because even though I haven’t come out to everyone in my life and am not marching in parades, I’ve come out to myself—and that is a significant milestone worth celebrating. Recognizing my truth is already half the battle.

Resources for Your Journey

For those navigating similar journeys, you might find helpful resources in this blog post or explore Make a Mom for authoritative advice. Additionally, March of Dimes offers excellent insights on pregnancy and home insemination.

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Summary

This piece reflects on the complexities of being a closeted queer woman during Pride Month. Despite the external celebrations, the author grapples with feelings of shame and invisibility within her own life. She expresses a longing for authenticity and community while acknowledging her journey toward self-acceptance. Ultimately, she chooses to embrace her identity, recognizing that coming out to oneself is a significant step worth celebrating.

Keyphrase: “Pride Month and queer identity”

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