I Wore a ‘True Love Waits’ Ring, and It Left Me with Deep Shame

Recently, while rummaging through my jewelry box for a pair of earrings, I stumbled upon a forgotten, tarnished ring. Upon closer inspection, I recognized it as a piece of jewelry from my youth, a symbol of a commitment that has lingered in my mind for decades. If you grew up in the eighties and attended a Christian youth group, you might have worn a True Love Waits ring, a token that signified a promise to remain sexually pure until marriage.

As I held the ring, its silver surface dulled with time, I was struck by the starkness of the black letters proclaiming my vow to save myself for marriage. Rather than happy memories, this symbol brought back feelings of shame, frustration, and confusion cultivated by the purity culture of my upbringing.

The True Love Waits movement aimed to honor God by encouraging abstinence until marriage, which was traditionally defined as a union between a Christian man and woman. At that time, same-sex marriage was neither legal nor accepted by the faith community. The message was clear: save your virginity for your wedding day, and once married, you could engage in sex freely with the intent of procreation.

However, the transition from being taught that sex was sinful to suddenly embracing it within marriage was bewildering. We received no education about sex, consent, or our bodies—only the warning not to engage in sexual activity. The greatest fear was the potential for pregnancy or STDs, which would ultimately require parental disclosure to seek medical help.

The real issue lies not in the decision to wait until marriage for sex, which is a valid choice for some, but rather in the harmful rhetoric associated with True Love Waits. It fostered guilt and shame instead of healthy conversations about intimacy. How did the adults expect us to seamlessly transition from a culture of abstinence to a fulfilling sexual relationship with our spouses?

As teenagers, we were led to believe that our natural sexual urges were sinful. Thus, we navigated a confusing cycle of flirting with crushes on weekends and repenting the next day. For perfectionists like me, the weight of True Love Waits became overwhelming. Questions like “Does God still love me?” and “What if I fall short of the expectations?” plagued my thoughts, complicating not just my relationships with boyfriends but also with God.

Dating was meant to lead to marriage, and any potential partner had to be seen as “marriage material,” often based on their faith and virginity. We were told that sex created emotional bonds that were sacred, but our education on this topic was limited to a few misquoted Bible verses.

One girl in our youth group became pregnant and was pressured to marry her boyfriend quickly, reinforcing the idea that marriage was a remedy for shame. Divorce was also deemed sinful, adding pressure to make the right choice the first time.

The idea of rushing teenagers to find “the one” is absurd. The message that it’s “better to marry than burn with passion” implied that the natural urges we felt should be immediately channeled into marriage, often without a true understanding of relationships.

The most damaging aspect of True Love Waits was the pervasive shame it instilled in everyone involved. Those who engaged in premarital sex were burdened with guilt about God’s love and judgment. Meanwhile, those who abstained struggled for years to overcome harmful narratives about their bodies, sexuality, and the institution of marriage. The LGBTQ+ community was left to navigate a landscape where they were deemed an abomination.

There are no winners in this scenario. Many of us who have come to realize that True Love Waits was not about purity but about shame have sought therapy, education, and support to heal. Unfortunately, many others continue to suffer in silence, and some still propagate these damaging messages to their children.

If you were affected by the True Love Waits movement, know this: God loves you unconditionally, and nothing you did or didn’t do can change that. It’s worth noting that Joshua Harris, the author of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” has since disavowed his book and its messages. We have the opportunity to raise the next generation without passing on toxic views about sexuality. Instead, we can foster open discussions about bodies, relationships, and consent.

I chose to keep my True Love Waits ring as a reminder of the journey I’ve endured and the ongoing work of healing. I am happily married to my partner, and I believe our success comes not from the ideas of purity culture but from embracing our true selves outside the confines of shame.

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Summary

The author reflects on the emotional turmoil caused by wearing a True Love Waits ring, which symbolized a commitment to sexual purity until marriage. They discuss the toxic culture of shame surrounding the movement, highlighting the confusion and fear instilled in young people regarding their sexuality. Through personal experiences, the author advocates for healthier conversations about relationships and sexuality, emphasizing the importance of unconditional love and understanding for future generations.

Keyphrase: True Love Waits and its impact

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