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When my children were younger, we often talked about bullying—what steps to take if they witnessed it or fell victim themselves. I explained the various forms bullying could take: physical, mental, and emotional. Throughout their early schooling, the other parents and I stayed vigilant for any signs of bullying. Once our kids entered high school, we believed we had equipped them with the necessary tools to handle such situations.
But what about us? Who prepped us for the adult version of mean girls?
Throughout most of my adult life, I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by supportive, inclusive women—those who strive to uplift others and foster a sense of community. However, everything shifted when I transitioned from San Francisco to the outskirts of Washington, D.C. I found myself in a toxic environment filled with aging Alpha Females clinging desperately to their youth. The moment anyone deviated from their standards, they would be met with scornful looks, deliberate exclusion, and backstabbing.
It was a captivating yet unsettling experience, akin to high school drama but played out among polished, surgically enhanced women. They masked their cruelty with a veneer of kindness, only to reveal their predatory nature at the first sign of vulnerability or any perceived threat. If a newcomer lacked the right appearance, home, or family, they were ignored and often the subject of ridicule.
After years of witnessing this cruelty and its fallout, I crafted a novel based on my observations. Reactions to the book fell into two categories: some readers insisted that adult women would never behave this way, while others found it disturbingly familiar. Among those who identified with the theme of adult bullying, five main forms emerged:
- Exclusion: This can manifest subtly, like posting photos from a gathering someone wasn’t invited to, or overtly, by discussing plans in front of someone without including them. While no one is obligated to invite you anywhere, there’s a distinct line between kindness and meanness.
- Inclusion Upon Rules: This occurs when social groups exert pressure to conform to specific behaviors or appearances. Much like the “Mean Girls” movie, where they wear pink on Wednesdays, adult women can bully each other into adhering to societal expectations, contributing to issues like eating disorders and anxiety.
- Mental Abuse: Have you ever entered a room full of acquaintances who ignore you? It can be disheartening. In a similar scenario, imagine knowing several women who act as if you don’t exist, laughing and whispering among themselves. You might start to question your perception of reality.
- Physical Intimidation: While less common among women than men, physical bullying can include actions like spilling a drink on purpose or shoving someone against a wall to intimidate.
- Blatant Harassment: Think of the characters from ’80s and ’90s films who faced open mockery. Adult women engage in similar behavior, spreading rumors and gossiping to elevate themselves by tearing others down.
When faced with bullying, it’s challenging to know how to respond. After all, we assume adult women should know better, right? Not necessarily. Bullying knows no age limits, and many women fall victim to a false sense of sisterhood that relies on tearing others apart. This isn’t the kind of “girl gang” anyone should aspire to join, yet it can feel enticing when you’re the one on the outside looking in.
Regrettably, the strategies I designed for my children don’t apply to adult bullying outside of workplace dynamics. There’s often no authority to report to, and no real consequences for exclusion or gossip.
So, what can you do?
After speaking with numerous women who have experienced bullying, I’ve identified self-care as our most valuable tool. Here are some strategies to shield yourself when facing bullying:
- Limit Social Media Exposure: Social media can be a double-edged sword. If you find yourself feeling hurt by seeing others’ gatherings or are tempted to check on your bully, consider taking a break or blocking those who bring you pain. It may feel daunting, but liberating yourself from toxic relationships is crucial.
- Confide in a Trusted Friend or Family Member: Nearly every woman has faced some form of bullying. Sharing your experiences can help you realize you’re not alone, and a sympathetic listener can validate your feelings.
- Seek Professional Help: If you lack a close friend to confide in, a therapist or clergy member can assist in sorting through your feelings and provide clarity amid the chaos.
- Practice Positive Affirmations: Bullying can erode self-esteem. Concentrate on three positive qualities about yourself and remind yourself of them daily.
- Journaling: Instead of engaging directly with a bully, which often escalates the situation, write down your feelings. This can help you process your emotions and provide a sense of relief when you’re done.
- Embrace Forgiveness: Although it’s often the hardest step, forgiveness is essential for healing. It doesn’t mean excusing someone’s behavior but allows you to move forward without being burdened by pain.
If you’re experiencing bullying, know that you’re not alone and there are ways to reclaim your power. Just like children, we have our own set of tools to combat bullying through emotional, mental, and physical self-care.
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Summary
Adult bullying is a real issue that many women face, often mimicking the dynamics of high school cliques. Understanding the various forms of bullying, from exclusion to blatant harassment, can help empower those affected. Emphasizing self-care, seeking supportive relationships, and practicing forgiveness are essential steps toward combating the negativity that comes from adult mean girls.
Keyphrase: adult bullying among women
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