artificial insemination syringe
This whole debacle began when I was browsing adult toys on Amazon. Honestly, there are so many intriguing options available—like these nipple clamps or this vibrator. With their wide selection, Prime shipping, and overall convenience, Amazon has practically become the go-to place for adult toys.
I was particularly interested in some ben wa balls. I’d heard they could aid with pelvic floor issues after childbirth, and let’s be real, they could also be quite pleasurable, especially the vibrating ones controlled by a remote. So I selected a model that seemed perfect. It was categorized under bladder control devices, but it was clearly designed for more than that. It had a little wand attachment meant for… let’s just say, other areas. It vibrated and came with a remote control. I added it to my cart, assuming my husband would ultimately make the purchase. That’s typically how we handle shopping on Amazon.
My husband did see the sexy items. He thought, “Great, she wants more toys!” and clicked the buy button without a second thought.
But Before He Hit Purchase…
Just so you know, my mother-in-law had recently celebrated her 74th birthday. Happy birthday to her! On the same day my husband ordered my toys, he also bought her gift. Since we live in different cities, he had her present shipped directly to her, complete with a cute little Amazon gift bag and a note that might have read something like, “WE LOVE YOU!!! — YOUR SON AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.”
An hour after ordering the ben wa balls, my husband realized a horrifying truth. He had neglected to change the shipping address on my order. My sex toys were en route to my mother-in-law’s house, arriving that very day. They were vibrating, remote-controlled, dishwasher safe, medical-grade silicone, and honestly, they looked more like they belonged to an alien than to any human.
And they were already on their way. Somewhere out there, a delivery van was heading toward a disaster I could hardly fathom. My husband’s mental state was about to unravel. My mother-in-law’s world would be rocked. I might have to consider a life of crime to escape the embarrassment.
We had also roped in an unsuspecting delivery person into this slow-motion catastrophe. If they opened that box, all hell would break loose.
He Tried to Intercept the Order
My husband called his most trusted sibling, who lives near my mother-in-law. “Hey, I need a favor. I accidentally had sex toys shipped to Mom. They’re on same-day delivery, and I can’t stop them. Can you wait in the driveway and grab the package?”
Most Trusted Sibling nearly crashed from laughing but then said, “Sorry, I’m out of town. Try Sibling Who Mom Always Liked Better.”
He called Sibling Who Mom Always Liked Better. “I, um, accidentally got sex toys shipped to Mom?” he explained. “Could you maybe wait in the driveway for the Amazon package?”
“Nope,” was the response. “I have a life and kids. I’m not sitting in Mom’s driveway for your sex toys. Plus, I have to take Anonymous Child to their activity.”
He Had to Step Up
So, my husband decided to call his mom directly. “There’s an Amazon package coming for us,” he said cautiously. “It accidentally shipped to your address. Please don’t open it.”
Instantly, his mom’s suspicion kicked in. Picture her: petite, impeccably dressed, and curious. “Why shouldn’t I open it? What is it?”
Total tactical error. At this point, he could’ve said it was a gift for her, but instead, he panicked and replied, “Nothing. Just don’t open it.”
I could almost see her eyes narrowing. “If it’s no big deal, why can’t I open it?”
His response was a mess of sheer panic. “You just can’t.”
“What is it?” she pressed.
“I don’t want—”
“Is it something illegal? Amazon wouldn’t ship anything illegal, would they?”
She sounded more curious than accusatory. The next part of the conversation could be imagined in rising panic as if an Amazon employee had just delivered a nuclear weapon.
“Mom—”
“Amazon can’t send anything illegal, can they?”
“Mom—”
“I’m putting this on speaker.” Suddenly, my father-in-law was on the line, complicating matters further. I needed my inhaler at this point.
“Mom, Amazon didn’t send you drugs or anything. No, wait. No drugs were sent to anyone.”
“Did they send you drug paraphernalia? Oh my God, are you two taking drugs?”
“No, Mom, we’re not taking drugs.”
And yet, here I was, inhaler in hand, feeling like I was part of a really bad sitcom.
“I’m sure they aren’t taking drugs. What is going on?” my father-in-law chimed in.
“We accidentally got an Amazon package shipped to your house. I told Mom not to open it.”
“Well, don’t let her open it!” he exclaimed.
“But it might be illegal!”
“It’s not illegal, Mom.”
Only in certain states, but let’s not go there.
“I’m sure it’s not illegal.”
“But he won’t tell me what it is!”
“Anonymous Husband, just tell your mother what’s in the box.”
“Can you just hold it for me?” Finally, he pleaded, “Anonymous Writer and I will get it when we come up with our kids.”
“Just put it in the guest room,” my father-in-law instructed.
“What’s the big deal if it’s not illegal? I don’t understand why I can’t open it.”
“I’ll handle it,” my father-in-law said.
“Thanks, Dad.”
I may have collapsed onto the bed, feeling a wave of relief wash over me.
Thanks to my father-in-law, we managed to avoid a disaster. He intercepted the package and safely stored it in the guest room, still unopened. Now, we can only hope my mother-in-law doesn’t get a wild hair and decide to investigate the box, convinced it might be illegal.
Summary
In a comical twist of fate, a woman’s attempt to purchase sex toys online results in a shipping disaster when the order accidentally gets sent to her mother-in-law. Amidst rising panic and misunderstandings, the woman’s husband scrambles to intercept the package and prevent a family scandal. Luckily, with the help of his father, they manage to keep the embarrassing situation under wraps—for now.
Keyphrase: Sex toys shipping mishap
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]