I Misjudged My Colleague’s Gender Identity and Learned Valuable Lessons

I recently came to a realization about my own experiences with pronouns. While responding to an email from a colleague whose pronouns were listed in her signature, I noticed that I had never shared my own pronouns with anyone. This made me reflect on the concept of pronoun privilege. I identify with “she” and “her,” and in public, I’m often addressed as ma’am or Mrs. Jones. This alignment with societal norms means I don’t have to face the discomfort of correcting others regarding my pronouns.

Regrettably, I’ve misgendered colleagues on multiple occasions over the past year. On my first day meeting a new coworker, I casually greeted them with “Hey, lady!” only to be informed that their preferred pronouns were they/them. I felt embarrassed by my hasty assumption, especially as I wanted to make a good impression. However, it’s crucial to recognize that this isn’t about me.

Privilege can blind us to the experiences of others, leading us to mistakenly believe that everyone shares our perspectives. This is particularly problematic in light of the alarming rates of suicide among trans youth and the ongoing struggles faced by the LGBTQ community. While pronoun privilege may seem minor, misidentifying someone’s pronouns is a microaggression, and as I’ve learned from my anti-racism training, even small aggressions can have significant impacts.

I’ve never included my pronouns in my email signatures or social media profiles because I’ve always been given the benefit of the doubt. I conform to conventional gender expectations, meaning I don’t have to correct others frequently—a privilege not shared by many.

Reflecting on my background as a former college writing instructor, I taught students to use “they” and “them” for singular references, urging clarity over assumptions. Yet, I find it challenging to adapt my thinking. Just because something has been the norm doesn’t mean it should always remain so; we must be willing to learn and change for the sake of our communities.

When you misgender someone, the best response is a sincere apology and a commitment to improve. It’s important not to feel defensive when corrected, as it takes courage for someone to express their truth. If you’re unsure of someone’s pronouns, simply ask, “What are your pronouns?” or “How would you like me to refer to you?” Sharing your own pronouns can create a respectful dialogue and demonstrate solidarity.

It’s natural to find new pronoun uses confusing, but difference itself isn’t negative. What’s unacceptable is dismissing someone’s preferred pronouns, failing to apologize when you misgender them, or overlooking their identity. Using someone’s correct pronouns is a simple act that respects their identity.

Consider the mental toll of being misgendered repeatedly. Along with the challenges of harassment and lack of protections, this can significantly affect a person’s well-being. We should also be cautious about making assumptions regarding familial relationships, such as “son” or “daughter,” which can lead to misunderstandings.

As I continue to learn, I recognize my own pronoun privilege and understand the importance of sharing my pronouns—not for myself, but to show support for others. I may still make mistakes, but acknowledging that I’m on a journey of learning is essential. The goal is to be considerate and evolve for the benefit of those around us.

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In summary, recognizing and respecting pronouns is essential for fostering an inclusive environment. Acknowledging our privilege and being open to change can significantly enhance our interactions and support for those around us.

Keyphrase: pronoun privilege

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