We Must Stop Assuming Daughters Will Always Be Caregivers

As the youngest of five and the sole daughter in my family, I found myself in a position of undue responsibility from an early age. My siblings were significantly older, with the nearest being nearly ten years my senior. After my parents divorced when I was eight, I became the emotional linchpin for our fractured family, navigating their conflicts and expectations. My mother relegated me to the role of primary caretaker, assigning me chores like cooking, cleaning, and laundry while also taking my allowance for her own expenses.

Anger and rebellion were not options for me. I was expected to maintain a façade of maturity, praised for being “so wise for my age.” However, beneath this veneer lay a struggle with severe depression and self-harm during my teenage years. Despite my own turmoil, I continued to be the glue holding the family together, making funeral arrangements and acting as a sounding board for grievances. My mother often took out her frustrations on me, asserting that my existence was a burden.

Eventually, I made the decision to move in with my father, hoping for a fresh start. While it was an improvement, I quickly realized that I was still expected to be useful, cleaning and cooking as my brothers did not face the same expectations. After some time abroad, I returned to the States, married, and sought temporary housing with my father again. However, he soon began to view me as his permanent caregiver, expecting me to manage household responsibilities after long workdays.

When I voiced my intention to move out and establish independence, he began charging us rent—something my brother had never faced during his long stay. To add insult to injury, he presented me with a bill for past “debts,” including for a care package he had sent while I was living overseas. It felt like a betrayal from a parent who was supposed to support me.

My mother’s resentment was equally palpable. She had raised me with the expectation that I would care for her in her old age, a plan laid out with little regard for my own life or desires. During family discussions about her future care, her disdain for me was clear, as she expressed a willingness to enter assisted living instead of burdening my brother.

This dynamic is not uncommon; many women find themselves disproportionately tasked with caregiving responsibilities. While it’s important for all siblings to share these duties, societal expectations often place this burden on daughters. The narrative that “girls are better at emotional care” perpetuates this cycle, leaving women to shoulder the weight of familial obligations while neglecting their own needs.

When I tell people I do not plan to have children, I’m often met with the question, “Who will take care of you when you’re old?” This perspective reduces the value of parenthood to mere utility. Children should not be viewed as caretakers; they deserve nurturing themselves. I’ve spent my life in a caretaker role, so I can’t be blamed for choosing not to extend that to my own potential children.

I’m still on a journey to recognize my worth outside of being perpetually “useful.” I am learning that my needs are valid and that it’s okay to accept care from others.

If you’re interested in exploring more on this topic, check out this blog post for further insights. Additionally, for those considering the journey of parenthood, resources like Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kit and Healthline’s guide to intrauterine insemination can be invaluable.

We Must Stop Assuming Daughters Will Always Be Caregivers

Related Searches: