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“Is your mom a sex worker?”
“Is your sister a promiscuous person?”
“Does your grandmother exchange favors for cash?”
“Do you sell yourself for money?”
I hope you enjoyed this brief glimpse into the creative jabs I faced growing up. As you may have guessed, my last name was linked to a rather infamous profession. Indeed, it was.
Hooker
Yes, my surname until I turned 25 was Hooker — the slang term for someone who engages in sexual activities for monetary gain. Through my teenage investigations, I discovered that the surname Hooker has Anglo-Saxon roots and has been around for centuries, likely originating from agricultural workers who used a type of hook during medieval harvesting. However, the colloquial term “hooker” didn’t gain popularity until Xaviera Hollander’s 1972 memoir, The Happy Hooker.
This means my father, who gifted me this delightful aspect of my childhood, didn’t endure any ridicule during his formative years. Back then, “Hooker” was just an uncommon surname.
When my sister and I reached our teenage years and proposed changing it, my father couldn’t comprehend our desire. To him, it was not up for debate. He failed to grasp the toll it took on us, and to him, changing our last name was simply out of the question.
The teasing truly kicked off in middle school, coinciding with the time our peers learned the meaning of “Hooker” — and also when they were at their most cruel. My sister, being more confident and attractive, managed to rise above the mockery (and perhaps comforted herself with the knowledge that marriage would eventually grant her a different surname). I, however, was the chubby nerd. My choices were to either endure the hurt silently or to quickly develop a sense of humor about it.
“Is your mom a sex worker?” Sure, but judging by your shoes, you couldn’t afford her services.
“Is your sister promiscuous?” Sorry, she doesn’t cater to prepubescent boys.
“Does your grandma exchange favors for cash?” Why, are you considering a career in that field? Maybe get a new wardrobe first.
“Do you sell yourself for money?” Only with your mom, and that’s when you’re fast asleep.
Okay, I admit, those comebacks weren’t exactly Oscar-worthy, but they were better than silence. I quickly learned that without a comeback, the taunts would keep coming, and they wouldn’t get any more clever. People who mock someone’s last name typically aren’t known for their intelligence or creativity.
Here’s a vivid memory from middle school, one of countless similar experiences. I sat at my tiny desk, careful not to touch the remnants of old gum stuck underneath, and tried to engage with classmates as best as I could. An unfamiliar voice broke through, announcing, “Ms. Davis is out sick today; I’m Ms. Johnson. Let’s take roll.”
She glanced at her clipboard, and then time froze. “Anderson.” “Here.”
“Hallaway.” “Here.”
“Holly.” “Present.”
“Hooker…”
The word echoed throughout the room, and the background noise faded away. Heat surged to my head as I dreaded the response. Everyone in the room already knew my last name. Hearing it spoken aloud was like being smacked with invisible spitballs from every direction.
This torturous scenario occurred at least once a month. I can’t recall if anyone actually laughed, but in my imagination, they all stood up, pointing and chanting something derogatory while the teacher looked on with a twisted grin.
It wasn’t until later that I learned my mother, who had the perfectly normal last name of Gagliano, once threatened divorce over my father’s stubbornness about keeping our last name. She understood the impact it had on us. My friend Sam, who suffered from the equally unfortunate surname Smelley, was the only one who truly got it. He changed his name around the same time I did, when we both reached our mid-twenties.
Do I regret having an awkward last name? Not really. If I had been Alex Smith, I might have grown into a more self-assured but ultimately less interesting person. I appreciate my quirks; they’ve become part of who I am. However, I find comfort in knowing that my future children will never have to deal with the emotional turmoil of a name like mine. With the genetic quirks I’ll likely pass down to them — like a tendency for cavities — giving them a mundane last name is the least I can do.
For more insights on navigating the challenges of parenthood and family life, check out this article. If you’re considering family planning, Make A Mom provides invaluable resources for your journey. Similarly, Mayo Clinic offers excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
In this reflective piece, Alex Thompson shares his experiences growing up with the last name Hooker, which led to relentless teasing during his adolescence. While he ultimately chose to change his name in his mid-twenties, he acknowledges that this part of his past shaped who he is today. He hopes his future children will avoid similar challenges, emphasizing the importance of a supportive family environment.
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