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After a decade in nursing, I’ve made the tough decision to leave bedside care. Throughout my career, I’ve held hands, wiped tears, and offered comfort during some of the most challenging moments in people’s lives. I’ve seen the extremes of human vulnerability, and I’ve done this work because I understand pain—I’m a survivor of trauma and abuse. This shared experience motivates many of us to become nurses.
For five years, I worked as a home health nurse, tending to terminally ill patients, particularly uranium miners. While I appreciated this community, the role lacked the challenges I craved. So, I took on an additional job at a local hospital, eager to return to the fast-paced environment of critical care.
Then the pandemic struck.
I’m not employed at a major trauma center but a small rural hospital in Western Colorado, a place known for its beautiful landscapes and conservative values. As the pandemic escalated, my hours were cut, prompting me to leave my home health position to work full-time at the hospital. It felt necessary to protect the most vulnerable.
However, the lack of personal protective equipment (PPE) made each shift feel like a dangerous gamble. I was given an ill-fitting N95 mask and constantly worried about bringing the virus home to my children. Despite my requests for proper hospital scrubs, management deemed it unnecessary. Each day, I decontaminated my belongings and changed out of my scrubs in the garage, fearful of contamination.
While my neighbors practiced social distancing, I envied their safety and time spent with family. Hospitals pressured us to come to work even when sick, perpetuating a culture of toxic presenteeism, while Congress failed to approve hazard pay for healthcare workers.
After being exposed to the virus and forced to quarantine without paid sick leave, I felt trapped between my conscience and the financial needs of my three children. Returning to work, I faced overwhelming patient loads with no support staff. My N95 mask was over a month old; I witnessed my colleagues in distress, fearing for their loved ones.
Some days were filled with pride as I bonded with co-workers and witnessed patients recover. Yet, most days left me feeling both numb and overwhelmed. The demands were relentless—running out of gowns, dealing with malfunctioning equipment, and facing impossible patient ratios.
The patients came from all walks of life, each with their stories of fear and loneliness. I often found myself apologizing for not being able to meet their needs as I juggled a heavy workload. The emotional toll was immense; I would cry in the medication room after sleepless nights and long shifts.
Outside of work, social media debates raged on, with people praising us as heroes while simultaneously accusing us of spreading disease. I vacillated between feelings of pride and frustration. After months of battling, we pushed for hazard pay, only to be met with empty promises.
After another exposure, I found myself unable to hug my daughter for fear of contamination. I contemplated quitting but felt compelled to endure. However, I soon realized that I was sacrificing my well-being for a system that undervalued my contributions.
Eventually, I was called into a meeting where I was fired for minor infractions. The experience felt like rock bottom, but I understood it was a new beginning. I recognized that staying in an unhealthy environment was detrimental to my happiness.
Shortly after, I received a job offer for a travel nursing position in a COVID unit in Los Angeles. While the opportunity was tempting, I declined. The systemic issues in healthcare—especially in how nurses are treated—remain unresolved. We cannot fix the healthcare system without first addressing the needs and well-being of its workers.
Leaving the hospital felt like a necessary step toward reclaiming my life. I learned that I had the power to choose my path, and I refused to let my happiness be dictated by a broken system.
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Summary:
The author reflects on their traumatic year of caring for COVID patients in a rural hospital and the toll it took on their mental and physical health. After being fired, they realize that prioritizing their well-being is essential, even if it means leaving the field they love.
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Keyphrase: COVID nursing trauma
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