Why We Should Stop Referring to This as ‘The Lost Year’

In discussions about children and the pandemic, it doesn’t take long for someone to mention the term “lost year.” Many express concerns about kids falling behind academically, missing key milestones, and losing social opportunities. Each time I hear “the lost year,” I can’t help but cringe.

Yes, this year has been undoubtedly challenging—many have faced significant losses, including loss of life, income, and health. However, these are not the losses most parents refer to when discussing the “lost year.” Instead, they’re focused on academic setbacks, diminished social interactions, and lost friendships. I urge parents to take a moment to reassess how they are perceiving and discussing the past year.

When the world first went into lockdown, one of my biggest worries (alongside keeping my family healthy) was how social isolation would affect my middle schoolers. They were either in the thick of or about to enter a critical phase of adolescence. Judith Warner, author of “And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School,” highlighted that early adolescence is a crucial period marked by rapid brain changes, comparable to the changes seen in infants.

Before the pandemic, my children were navigating adolescence quite well. They had solid friendships, were managing school demands, and were developing their independence. Yet, the pandemic erased many of those essential interactions—no more chatting with classmates during a science experiment, sharing jokes at lunch, or engaging in friendly banter during basketball games.

While they could still connect through FaceTime or Xbox, it wasn’t the same. These interactions lacked the independence that is vital during middle school years. Phyllis Fagell, a therapist and author of “Middle School Matters,” noted that this phase is crucial for kids to figure out their social dynamics and what they need from friendships, but that development was interrupted.

As parents, our worries have been palpable. We all share the anxiety that our children, at such a pivotal point in their lives, may have missed important developmental milestones. Yet, while we share our fears, we must refrain from voicing complaints, especially in front of our kids. Experts suggest our concerns might be exaggerated.

The reality is that most kids will be okay. Laurence Steinberg, a psychology professor, explains that the same brain plasticity that makes middle schoolers sensitive also equips them with remarkable adaptability and resilience. While the past year has been tough, many middle schoolers will ultimately be fine.

That said, we must acknowledge that not every child has fared well. Some teens have been significantly affected by the pandemic, reporting increased anxiety and depression. If you notice your child struggling, it’s crucial to act—reach out to their school, consult a therapist, or have open conversations about their feelings.

However, the way we frame our discussions about this past year can impact our kids’ recovery. Research shows that many children believe their parents are unhappy with them, leading to increased feelings of anxiety. Mitch Prinstein, a professor of psychology, emphasizes the importance of focusing on adaptability and resilience rather than solely on hardship.

To help our middle schoolers thrive after this challenging time, parents should shift their focus away from what children have “lost.” While it’s true we’ve missed many experiences, we can redirect conversations toward what they might have gained—like new routines, relaxed rules, and more family time.

Moreover, it’s important to ease up on restrictions around screen time. The teens who coped best during the pandemic often stayed connected with friends through social media and gaming, so we can afford to be more lenient in this area.

Let’s also celebrate our kids for their resilience. They’ve adapted to remote learning and all the changes that came with it. They’ve shown remarkable strength and flexibility, often managing the chaos better than adults. It’s essential to acknowledge their efforts and let them know we’re proud of them.

Lastly, we need to maintain faith in their ability to bounce back. This year has indeed been tough, but as history shows, challenges can lead to growth. If the resilience of our children is any indication, they will emerge from this experience not just okay, but perhaps even stronger.

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Summary:

This article encourages parents to rethink their language regarding the pandemic and its impact on children, particularly middle schoolers. Instead of labeling the past year as a “lost year,” it advocates for recognizing the adaptability and resilience of children during these challenging times. Parents are urged to focus on the positives gained, to ease restrictions on screen time, and to celebrate their children’s accomplishments. Finally, it emphasizes the importance of maintaining faith in their children’s ability to recover and thrive.

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