The Day I Contemplated Ending My Marriage

Today was a day when I seriously considered ending my marriage. But don’t worry about us—we’re actually snuggled up on the couch right now. However, the frustration I felt this morning at around 8:34 a.m. was intense. My husband offered to take the kids to school last night, which I appreciated, but I would have felt even better if he hadn’t been at the door huffing and rolling his eyes as they took their sweet time finishing breakfast and getting ready. “Your help just hurts,” I found myself muttering as he drove off.

After he dropped the kids off, our conversation quickly escalated into a heated text exchange, followed by a conciliatory call. We reached a mutual agreement to extend grace to one another, especially considering the immense stress we’ve faced as a family over the past year. The pandemic has taken a toll on us individually and on our relationship as we manage our kids’ needs.

Having been together for 16 years, through two doctorate degrees, significant student debt, and raising a high-needs child, we thought we were resilient before COVID. Reflecting on the past year, we realize we underestimated how challenging it would be to 1) be around each other all the time, 2) maintain our romantic connection, and 3) prevent the chaos of a global crisis from straining our relationship.

In my pediatrics practice, I’ve noticed a surge of mothers feeling similarly frustrated with their partners. We’re all longing for the end of this pandemic and the accompanying extra stress that has led to more frequent arguments. I know, as do you, that once this is all over, our relationships will likely improve. But I don’t want to wait that long. The good news is, we don’t have to.

Essential Principles for Effective Co-Parenting

From my experiences and insights gained from other resilient moms, I’ve gathered some essential principles for effective co-parenting to help mitigate situations like today’s:

Forget the Myth of Fifty-Fifty
Don’t get caught up in the idea of a perfect fifty-fifty division of responsibilities. Parenting tasks are rarely split evenly. You may handle most of the laundry while your partner takes on the bulk of school pickups. What matters is ensuring neither partner is overwhelmed with the majority of responsibilities.
Communicate the Mental Load
Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Make it a point to sit down together and discuss what needs to be accomplished around the house. Regular check-ins can help keep both parties aware of each other’s tasks and alleviate the feeling of being overwhelmed.
Assign Tasks Based on Practicality
Consider practical factors when dividing responsibilities. Who has time? What are each person’s strengths? For instance, if you’re a new mom breastfeeding, you might take on feeding duties while your partner gets to handle soothing.
Establish a Common Language
Use relatable language when discussing responsibilities. If you both enjoy sports, frame conversations around teamwork. For example, “Which part of the game will you take charge of this month?”
Utilize Technology
Take advantage of shared calendars and apps to keep track of household obligations. This can promote accountability and ensure both partners are informed about family commitments.
Let Some Things Slide
Sometimes, it’s best to ignore minor annoyances like eye rolls or sighs when you’re delegating tasks. Acknowledge that your partner may not enjoy being told what to do but remind yourself it’s necessary for sharing the load.
Be Kind to Each Other
Stress can cloud our interactions. Approaching your partner with compassion and understanding can help reduce conflict and create a more harmonious environment.
Step Back
Micromanaging can lead to resentment. Allow your partner the space to parent without your scrutiny. If they feel empowered, they’re more likely to take initiative and share the responsibilities.

While I don’t execute these principles perfectly, I recognize that both my husband and I strive to move past outdated norms regarding parenting roles. We believe that equitable partnerships are achievable, regardless of the challenges we face.

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In summary, navigating the complexities of marriage and parenting, especially during challenging times, requires open communication, shared responsibilities, and mutual understanding. By implementing these strategies, couples can foster a healthier partnership, even amidst the chaos.

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