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I often wonder if we will ever feel truly complete.
“You’re not responding well, and we may need to consider using an egg donor.” Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. There I sat in the doctor’s office, a place where I had invested not just my money but my hopes over the past year. My husband was waiting in the car, unable to accompany me due to the restrictions from the Covid-19 pandemic. I had to absorb this news alone.
After completing my second IVF cycle, we had one embryo make it to genetic testing, but it was abnormal. From the moment I grasped the concept of pregnancy, I was taught to avoid it at all costs. I started taking birth control at the age of 13 and fluctuated between on and off it for 11 years. When I finally felt financially ready to start a family with my husband, I discarded my pills, confident that pregnancy would come easily. After all, isn’t that what we are told? “It only takes one time,” my doctor assured me. Yet here I am, countless attempts later, still waiting.
We do have a wonderful son, who took us six months to conceive with the help of Clomid. However, when we attempted to have a second child, I received the life-altering news of Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR) alongside my husband’s diagnosis of low morphology. This was the scariest revelation I had faced. Every woman I know worries about their eggs, and I am naturally anxious. I often find myself in a mental spiral of doubts: “It’s your fault,” “Something’s wrong,” “You were on birth control too long.” I never imagined this would be my reality.
Learning about my DOR was like a punch to the gut. It meant my egg supply was alarmingly low, making conception significantly more difficult. At 27, my AMH level resembled that of someone in their mid-30s or early 40s. I was in my prime, the same age my mother was when she had me. I had suspected something might be off when I conceived my son at 24, but I had never been informed of DOR until now. After receiving the supplements and vitamins recommended by my doctor, I was determined to defy the odds.
To all women out there: get your AMH levels checked now! Even if you’re not ready for kids, it’s crucial to understand what’s happening in your body. I had no symptoms – my periods were regular, and I was completely unaware of my DOR.
Before consulting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), we tried to conceive naturally for seven months. By the eighth month, I reached out to my OB for assistance with Clomid. After my first round, I was overjoyed to find out I was pregnant, only to experience a heartbreaking miscarriage two weeks later.
Despite the setback, I persevered. After two more months of trying with Clomid yielded no results, we decided to see a RE, leading to the disheartening diagnosis. The initial treatment plan involved IUIs, which my insurance covered. Each month, I took Clomid, attended monitoring appointments, and received Ovidrel injections to induce ovulation, followed by insemination. I left each appointment with optimism, convinced that success was just around the corner.
Ultimately, we moved towards IVF, something I had never anticipated. The day I was to start my medication, I received unexpected news from my doctor: I was pregnant again, but the levels were too low to indicate a viable pregnancy. Once again, I faced a miscarriage.
This left me no choice but to proceed with IVF. After signing the necessary paperwork and starting treatment, I underwent egg retrieval. Upon waking from anesthesia, my doctor informed me that only seven eggs had been retrieved—a disappointing result, yet not unexpected given my condition. A week later, I learned that none of the embryos had developed successfully. I was devastated but remained resolute.
We immediately began our second round of IVF, navigating needles, blood tests, and mood swings. On retrieval day, I awoke to hear that eight eggs had been retrieved. Although still disheartening, it was a slight improvement. A week later, only one embryo made it to blastocyst stage for testing. I felt a mix of hope and realism as we awaited the results, only to learn that this embryo was also abnormal.
The news was crushing. Each failed attempt felt like a miscarriage—each embryo a piece of my husband and me, now lost. I felt robbed, waking up from retrieval wondering how I went to sleep with possibilities only to wake up empty-handed.
Despite knowing IVF was a long shot, hope lingered. After seeking a second opinion, we underwent additional testing, including an HSN and a biopsy. While the biopsy returned normal, it revealed a polyp in my uterus that required removal. I agreed to a laparoscopic surgery, which ultimately uncovered stages 2 and 3 endometriosis—something I had no signs of and went undetected until then. If not for the surgery, I would have remained oblivious to this issue.
With both of us facing reproductive challenges, it feels as though our options and finances are dwindling. All we can do is wish for a surprise pregnancy, the kind we’ve only seen in movies. I am deeply grateful for my one perfect son, who is my everything, but I desperately wanted to give him a sibling. If that isn’t meant to be, I will dedicate my life to making him happy. He may be spoiled and stubborn, but he will always know how much we tried to give him a built-in best friend.
As we still have one more IVF covered by insurance, we aren’t quite ready to move forward, especially given the outcomes we’ve faced. It’s a constant battle of gratitude for my son while longing for another child. I often feel unworthy of calling myself infertile because I was able to have one child. Yet, I find myself waiting, wishing for that next chapter, dreaming of a bustling home filled with laughter, toys, and sibling squabbles.
I’m frustrated with my body for not functioning as it should. I can provide my son with every toy and vacation imaginable but can’t give him a sibling. We will never stop trying for another baby. We will never give up. We will never feel complete.
For more insights, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination, and explore other related resources like this one on artificial insemination kits.