As a parent of a child with a unique genetic condition, grappling with the urge to compare my daughter to other kids has become one of my biggest challenges. This feeling, however, is not exclusive to those raising children with special needs. Many friends have confided in me about their own struggles with measuring their children against their peers. Are they achieving milestones at the same pace? Are they growing, walking, talking, and eating as much as the kids down the street?
Long before I even had children, a close friend of mine explained how parents often feel the pressure to have the best of everything for their kids: the best clothes, the best looks, and the highest grades. But having a child with special needs amplifies this pressure. The differences become more pronounced, and developmental delays are evident, often even to strangers.
For example, when we’re out and about with my daughter, it’s not uncommon for someone to approach us with a smile and inquire about her age. “Eighteen months,” I say. The follow-up question is almost always the same: “Is she walking yet?” My heart sinks as I respond, “Not yet.” In reality, she hasn’t even mastered crawling. This often leads to a questioning gaze or, at times, even judgment—like they’re stacking her against other children her age.
Daycare is another place where the comparison curse creeps in. I watch as kids her age and even those younger begin to hit major developmental milestones, and it makes me anxious about the upcoming transition to the toddler classroom. Children in that class need to be confident walkers to avoid accidents with the more boisterous kids. I fear that keeping her in the baby classroom longer will only widen the gap between her and her peers.
However, it’s not the differences that frighten me the most; it’s the uncertainty of whether my daughter will ever acquire these skills. I can set aside my competitive instincts, but the unknown looms large.
Before you consider unfollowing me on social media or avoiding me at gatherings, let me assure you that I delight in seeing your children thrive and achieve. Please continue sharing your joys! I am also working on tempering my habit of comparison. As the saying goes, “If the grass is greener on the other side, water your own lawn.”
My new objective is to celebrate our own milestones, no matter how small. These are the little victories that can easily go unnoticed yet bring immense joy to our daily lives. For instance:
- Even though my daughter isn’t crawling, she is learning to balance herself while sitting on my lap!
- While she’s not walking beside me at the store, she can now sit independently in the shopping cart!
- Although she hasn’t started feeding herself, she’s beginning to explore new flavors and has developed a taste for clementines!
Every progress counts and is worth celebrating. But it’s not just about those “firsts.” I am learning to cherish who my daughter is at her core. She radiates joy—her laughter is contagious, and her smile lights up any space. She has a deep love for her family and friends, and her focus on mastering new toys rivals that of this project-managing mom. Her enthusiasm for car rides and music assures me that she will always enjoy spending time with her dad.
My daughter is truly one of a kind, and she stands apart from any comparisons. The more I shift my focus towards celebrating who she is, rather than what she can achieve, the more joy fills our lives.
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In summary, while the journey of parenting a child with special needs can be fraught with comparison and doubt, it’s essential to focus on the unique joys and milestones that define each child’s path.