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The first time I truly faced the grief of losing my mother was in 2016. I found myself in a therapist’s office, surrounded by a small table lamp and a collection of toys—puppets, figures, and coloring sheets tucked away in a wooden crate. My two-year-old daughter lay on the floor, oblivious to my turmoil as I expressed my feelings about the mother I longed for but never had. Anger, sadness, and depression washed over me, yet there was also a flicker of acceptance and hope. I felt ready to confront the situation.
“That makes perfect sense,” my therapist said. “You’re experiencing grief. You’re mourning the parent you wish you had but will never know.” She paused. “But you realize this is grief, right?”
“No,” I replied, stunned. How could I be grieving when my mother was still alive? To me, grief was reserved for the deceased. But my mother, despite her physical presence, was absent in so many ways.
At that time, she was suffering from a severe and undiagnosed mental illness. I watched helplessly as depression gradually stripped her of her identity and disrupted her life. She neglected her physical health, failing to shower or care for herself. Her condition had left her frail, with bedsores and an addiction to alcohol. Each day, I witnessed her decline, and I finally understood that I needed to let go.
What is Anticipatory Grief?
According to an article on Verywell Mind, anticipatory grief—grief that occurs before death—is common among those facing the impending loss of a loved one or their own mortality. While traditional grief is widely recognized, anticipatory grief often remains unacknowledged. This type of grief can arise from various circumstances, including mental illness, substance abuse, brain injuries, or dementia. It manifests when someone you love undergoes a profound and irreversible change in their personality.
The article further explains that anticipatory grief can be both confusing and debilitating. Coming to terms with the fact that a loved one is no longer the person you once knew is incredibly painful. Although the loss has not yet occurred, the emotional toll is undeniable.
Signs and Symptoms of Anticipatory Grief
The signs of anticipatory grief are similar to those experienced in traditional grief but can come and go unpredictably. As noted by Verywell Mind, the emotional landscape of anticipatory grief can feel like a rollercoaster—some days are incredibly hard, while others might offer little to no grief at all. Symptoms can include:
- Sadness or tearfulness
- Loneliness
- An overwhelming sense of dread
- Anxiety
- Irritability or anger
- Shame
- Guilt
- Fatigue or sleeplessness
- Loss of appetite
- Disinterest in activities you once enjoyed
What to Do if You’re Experiencing Anticipatory Grief
Regardless of whether your grief is traditional or anticipatory, it’s important to acknowledge and address it. Finding someone to confide in can be immensely beneficial. Working with a mental health professional or grief counselor can also help you navigate this challenging process. In some cases, medication may be necessary, particularly if your grief leads to further complications.
For more information on anticipatory grief and coping mechanisms, you may find this blog post useful: Understanding Grief. Additionally, if you’re exploring family-building options, the resource from Resolve offers excellent insights: Family Building Options.