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Relief is an intense emotion that many people experience during moments of anxiety or distress, often resulting in a reassuring sense of calm. It’s a feeling akin to taking a deep, refreshing breath after a long period of tension. While it’s uncommon to associate relief with grief, especially after the death of a loved one, that’s exactly what I felt when my mother passed away last June.
Her passing brought me an unexpected sense of comfort and happiness. For years, my mother was a complicated figure in my life. She battled mental illness and addiction, and her harsh words and abusive behavior left deep scars. For 36 years, I endured emotional manipulation and verbal abuse, and her death finally provided a sense of closure I hadn’t anticipated.
I grappled with feelings of anger and shame for experiencing relief over her death. What kind of person feels gratitude for such a loss? To truly understand my reaction, it’s essential to grasp the reality of my mother’s life and our fraught relationship. She struggled with untreated depression for years, which affected my childhood and our interactions. I was often made to feel worthless, criticized, and called names that no child should endure.
Despite my feelings, I never hated her; rather, I despised the person she had become due to her addiction and illness. Loving an addict is incredibly challenging, and I often felt the weight of responsibility to help her. When I received the news on June 24th that she was “missing,” I remained calm. The thought of her possible death offered a sense of relief because it meant an end to the pain for both her and me.
I arrived at her apartment, knowing what I might find. As I climbed the stairs, I took a breath—not out of fear, but because I felt a moment of peace. I didn’t wish for her to die; rather, I wished for a different, healthier relationship. I mourn the lost opportunities and the memories we would never create together. Yet, I also carry shame for not saving her and for the relief I felt.
It’s crucial to recognize that feeling relief after a complicated relationship is not unusual. Many people experience this emotion but often feel the need to hide it, as if it’s a shameful secret. Acknowledging that relief can coexist with grief is vital. Emotions are complex, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
If you’re navigating the loss of a complicated loved one, know that your feelings are valid. You’re not alone in this journey. For more insights on coping with such emotions, you can explore this blog post and check out Make a Mom for authoritative resources on home insemination. Additionally, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists provides excellent information on treating infertility.
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In summary, it’s important to understand that emotions surrounding loss can be multifaceted. Experiencing relief does not negate the pain of grief; instead, it highlights the complexity of human emotions. You are not alone in your feelings, and it’s okay to seek support.
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