To My Uncaring Parents: A Lesson in What Not to Do

pregnant woman in yellow flower dress holding her belly

Dear Mother and Father,

It feels strange to address you that way. In my experience, I have never truly had parents. You were physically present but emotionally absent.

For years, I have grappled with anger. You were correct; I do struggle with anger. Being taught to hide my negative feelings, shamed for expressing hurt, and constantly gaslit has led to deep-seated issues with my emotions. You instilled in me the belief that feeling anger made me a bad person, while your own volatility and verbal abuse were somehow acceptable. This contradiction left me bewildered and questioning my own sanity, even my worth.

I have often felt anger directed inward. Why was I not lovable enough? Pretty enough? Interesting enough? I internalized the belief that it was my fault, as you taught me well that you were never to blame. I became an expert at holding myself accountable for your actions.

But I was just a child, and you were the adults. It was never my responsibility.

I recognize I wasn’t a perfect child, and I may have caused you some stress. However, that does not excuse your behavior. You are still in the wrong.

I have waited a long time for genuine apologies. I would reconsider rebuilding our relationship if I believed you had actually changed. Yet, your apologies feel empty. They seem less about remorse and more about wanting me to forget the past and revert to the status quo. What you don’t grasp is that your “normal” is not acceptable to me. I refuse to return to a place where I felt unworthy, afraid, and unloved.

Your apologies often feel more painful than silence. When you follow them up with instructions to simply accept them, it reinforces my belief that you think of yourselves as always right, expecting respect regardless of your actions.

I did respect you, but respect is earned. I believe that disrespect is earned as well. While I would never wish you harm, I find it impossible to respect those who continually hurt their own children, exploiting their forgiveness without gratitude.

The last time we spoke, you, Mom, said something passive-aggressive like, “I hope nothing ever goes wrong with your children.” I understood the hidden meaning; you hope to see me experience the same struggles, thinking that would excuse your past. Dad, your last letter lamented the difficulties of parenthood, suggesting that if I faced similar challenges, I might understand your choices.

Such remarks left me feeling invalidated and dashed my hopes for change.

And yet, I want to thank you both.

Thank you for illustrating the importance of sincere apologies from adults to children. Thank you for showing that respect is not an automatic entitlement for parents. Thank you for teaching me that accountability is crucial, regardless of circumstances. Thank you for demonstrating that apologies must be genuine and supported by actions that ensure a child’s sense of safety.

I appreciate these lessons because when I become a parent, I will not repeat your mistakes. I will admit when I am wrong, listen to my children, and ensure they feel safe enough to voice their feelings without fear. When they think of open dialogue and security, I want them to think of me.

Thank you for exemplifying how NOT to be a parent.

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In summary, this piece reflects on the painful lessons learned from an abusive upbringing, emphasizing the importance of accountability and sincere communication in parenting. It aims to break the cycle of dysfunction, highlighting the writer’s commitment to providing a safe and loving environment for their future children.

Keyphrase: abusive parenting lessons

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