I had a moment today where I seriously thought about ending my marriage. Don’t worry too much about us—we’re currently snuggled up on the couch—but earlier today, around 8:34 a.m., I felt a surge of anger. My husband had volunteered to drive our kids to school the night before, which I appreciated. However, I would have appreciated it more if he hadn’t been huffing and puffing at the doorway while the kids took their sweet time finishing breakfast and getting ready. As he drove off, I couldn’t help but mutter to myself, “Your help just hurts.”
This led to a heated text exchange, a reconciliatory phone call, and ultimately, a mutual agreement to extend grace to each other given the stress we’ve all faced this past year. The pandemic has put a strain on us individually and as a couple while we managed our kids’ needs, and it has certainly affected our relationship.
My husband and I have been through a lot over our 16 years together—two doctorate degrees, tackling student debt, and raising a high-needs child. We thought we were resilient before the pandemic, but looking back, we underestimated how challenging it would be to be around each other constantly and maintain our romantic connection amidst the chaos of an unpredictable global crisis.
Lately, I’ve noticed that many moms in my pediatric practice are feeling similarly frustrated with their partners. We’re all eager for the pandemic to end and for the tensions that often accompany it to dissipate. I know we’ll find relief in our relationships once things improve, but I don’t want to wait that long. Fortunately, we don’t have to.
From conversations with other resilient moms, I’ve gathered some valuable insights on maintaining a strong parenting partnership that can help prevent days like today from becoming more frequent.
1. Forget About the Myth of 50-50
It’s unrealistic to expect an even split in parenting tasks. Responsibilities rarely divide evenly. One partner may handle more of the laundry while the other takes on the cooking. What’s important is that no one person is shouldering the majority of the tasks.
2. Communicate the Mental Load
Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Make it a routine to sit down together and outline what needs to get done. Discuss the tasks each of you is managing and express when you feel overwhelmed. Planning regular family meetings can help keep communication open.
3. Distribute Responsibilities Based on Practicality
Consider who has the time or the strengths to handle specific tasks. For example, if one parent has a more demanding job, it makes sense to assign duties accordingly. If a new mother is breastfeeding, she could be responsible for feeding, while the partner takes on soothing duties.
4. Establish a Common Language
When discussing responsibilities, find a way to communicate that resonates with both of you. For instance, if you’re both sports fans, frame the conversation around team dynamics to foster collaboration.
5. Leverage Technology
Use shared calendars and apps to keep track of family commitments. This way, both partners stay informed and accountable for household events.
6. Let Some Things Slide
Sometimes, you’ll need to ignore minor eye rolls or sighs when delegating tasks. Acknowledging that your partner may not always be enthusiastic about taking on extra responsibilities can ease tension.
7. Practice Empathy
Recognize that we all carry stress into our relationships. Approaching your partner with compassion and understanding can significantly reduce conflict.
8. Take a Step Back
Micromanaging can create resentment. Allow your partner the freedom to parent without feeling monitored. This empowerment can foster a sense of ownership and motivation in their parenting role.
Despite my own challenges—like feeling my husband sometimes views his contributions as “helping out” rather than co-parenting—we continue to strive for equitable partnerships. It’s essential to move beyond outdated societal norms and work toward a balanced approach to parenting, regardless of the circumstances.
For more insights on navigating parenthood and relationships, check out this helpful resource on pregnancy. If you’re considering home insemination, you might find this article on our blog useful. Additionally, Make a Mom is an authority on the topic, offering valuable tools and information.
Summary
Navigating the challenges of marriage and parenting, especially during stressful times like a pandemic, can be tough. By fostering open communication, sharing responsibilities, and practicing empathy, couples can strengthen their partnerships. Remember, it’s essential to empower each other in parenting roles and to let go of the desire to control every aspect.
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