I Cherish My Mom, Yet Fear Becoming Her

Here’s a truth: I genuinely adore my mom. But there’s another reality that haunts me—I’m scared of transforming into her.

I know this sounds harsh, perhaps even ungrateful, especially considering how remarkable she is. After divorcing my father when my brother and I were just three and five, she single-handedly raised us. Juggling three jobs, she ensured we never experienced hunger. She enforced rules while also being forgiving. She motivated us to strive for excellence.

In doing all this, she sacrificed her own life for my brother and me. She seldom went out, rarely chased her passions, and found little room beyond the identity of a “single mom.” She dedicated everything to us, yet in the process, neglected to lay down a foundation for her own life, especially as we grew into adults with our own paths.

Now, my brother and I have children of our own. She delights in stories and visits with her grandkids, which we try to arrange frequently. In between those moments, she seeks quiet activities to fill her time. However, she has no significant friendships, hobbies, or dreams to pursue. She appears content to wait for the next family visit, yet from an outside perspective, it seems profoundly lonely.

Looking at her life feels like a preview of a future I’m racing towards, and it terrifies me. Recently, I separated from my daughters’ father, who is completely out of the picture. I’m now solely responsible for meeting all their needs—financially and emotionally. It eerily mirrors my mother’s life when she was my age.

I understand the immense dedication a single mother must give just to stay afloat. I know the blood, sweat, and tears required to raise two children into compassionate individuals. I’m prepared to give everything, just as my mother did for us. My daughters deserve nothing less.

Yet, observing my mother’s life now, I know I don’t desire that future. I fear repeating history, of giving so much that I’m left with nothing. Despite her apparent satisfaction with her life, I recognize that I wouldn’t be fulfilled in her position. I need to construct a foundation for my future—one that exists “after” my kids have grown and are forging their own lives. I realize I must invest time now in nurturing friendships and building the life that will come later. This means carving out time and energy for my interests and future, something my mother never claimed for herself.

So how do I reconcile this? How can I give as much as she did without sacrificing everything? How can I achieve that delicate balance?

I could offer as much as she did and wait for my turn a decade from now. Life doesn’t end when your kids go off to college—in fact, many stories suggest it can truly begin at that point. But patience has never been my strong suit.

Ultimately, the solution lies in abandoning the search for balance. Embracing the idea that keeping a part of “me” means not sacrificing everything. Motherhood shouldn’t be an ultimate sacrifice; you don’t have to give everything to be a good mom—even as a single parent who raises kind-hearted children, sets boundaries, forgives mistakes, and encourages growth.

Additionally, I need to step back from the fear of becoming like my mother and instead grant her the grace to enjoy her life. She fills her days with what makes her happy. Perhaps she is living the life she envisioned for herself.

I often think my mother stumbled into her current life. I tell myself she didn’t realize that by giving so much, she’d end up with little for herself. But I never asked her if that was true. Maybe she knew exactly what she was doing, balancing what was best for herself while also nurturing us.

If that’s the case, perhaps there’s much I can learn from her.

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Summary:

The author reflects on their love for their mother while grappling with the fear of repeating her sacrifices in parenthood. They recognize the importance of maintaining their identity and pursuing personal interests while raising children. The piece emphasizes the necessity of striking a balance between self-care and caregiving, highlighting the lessons learned from their mother’s life.

Keyphrase: Fear of becoming like my mother

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