Every day, I remind myself that today is a fresh start. Today, I will finally tackle the growing list of unwritten articles due for various publications. Today, I hope to resist the urge to react strongly to headlines or to the white-owned businesses profiting from Asian culture while remaining silent about the ongoing violence against the Asian community, particularly following the tragic events in Atlanta.
I wish today would be the day when I don’t feel the need to suppress panic, grief, or anger, or when I don’t have to shut down all my social media, including group chats, because someone has shared yet another distressing story of anti-Asian racism or misogyny under the guise of keeping us informed. Honestly, I would prefer to stop being informed; I am not okay.
Gratitude for Support
I appreciate my friends who have reached out, especially my friends who are Black and Asian women. They have checked on me in the aftermath of the Atlanta shootings and have been supportive since the early days of anti-Asian sentiment during the COVID-19 pandemic. When they ask how they can help, I often find myself at a loss for words.
I don’t require financial assistance or products to sell. I have a solid support network and multiple friends to lean on. By all external measures, I’m technically fine. As one friend put it, “I am not in any imminent danger.” But there are moments when it feels as though imminent danger is all around me, ready to engulf not just me, but my mother, my children, and countless others in the community. It feels like the threat is lurking just beneath the surface, waiting to strike when we least expect it.
The Weight of Anger and Fear
I struggle to articulate my feelings to my friends because there’s no simple solution to what I’m experiencing. While I appreciate their check-ins, they often feel like a band-aid on a deep wound. How can I express, with sincerity, the desire for radical change? That true safety for those of us on the margins won’t come until we dismantle white supremacy and challenge the patriarchal structures that pervade our society? Who can accomplish such a monumental task in just a day or even a year? If it were easy, wouldn’t it have already been done?
Moreover, I feel a sense of obligation to provide resources and information when asked about anti-Asian hate or allyship between Asian and Black communities. However, I am exhausted. The weight of systemic oppression feels heavier than my will to resist. I fear that the hatred directed at me is more powerful than the love I can muster, and while I want to fight back, I am not willing to become a monster in the process.
The Challenge of Being Seen
It’s challenging to tell others how to help because it’s a systemic issue, and I lack the energy to explain it all. I am done justifying my existence. My fellow Asian women, those who present as female, and my young daughter are often viewed as expendable. We live in fear when we should feel safe. We face exoticization, fetishization, and disbelief, despite our fundamental right to exist.
I am not okay. I feel like a shattered windshield, one push away from collapsing. I am filled with anger, sadness, and fear. Most importantly, I am human. And I am not sorry for feeling this way.
If you want to explore more about navigating these complex emotions, check out one of our other blog posts here. For those interested in enhancing fertility, Make a Mom offers valuable insights. Additionally, Resolve.org provides excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
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