March 25, 2021
Here’s the reality: I experienced four pregnancy losses, and with each one, my feelings towards my partner grew complicated.
My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, where the embryo implanted in my left fallopian tube. This situation led to emergency surgery to terminate the pregnancy and protect my health. The day following the procedure, while I lay in bed recovering from pain medication, my partner, David, went to a hockey game with his brother. When I vented my frustration—my anger—about this to a friend, she shared, “When I had my miscarriage, my husband went to Vegas.”
This seems to be a recurring theme with some partners after pregnancy losses. Psychologists term it avoidance; I find it quite frustrating.
During my four losses (which included two ectopic pregnancies, a first-trimester miscarriage, and a second-trimester miscarriage), David immersed himself in a flurry of activities. He took up mountain biking, mapping various trails around the local hills, and left his notes scattered throughout the house. He went on extensive runs. He volunteered for causes he had never previously cared about. He even signed up for a disaster preparedness course, researching things like, “Can you drink pool water in an emergency?” I was left wondering if this was his way of coping, feeling so vulnerable to loss that he sought to prepare for every worst-case scenario.
One thing he didn’t engage in was communicating with me. I needed to talk about our losses, but this desire collided head-on with his inclination to “move on.” He wanted to avoid the topic entirely, pretending life was normal. I resented his emotional distance and felt like a wreck mentally and physically. To me, it seemed he wasn’t mourning at all—he was far too occupied for that.
With time and couples therapy, I began to understand that David was grieving too, albeit in a different manner than I was.
While writing All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss, I delved into discussions with my co-authors (Emma Taylor, a clinical social worker, and Dr. Michael Lee, a board-certified psychologist) about how common it is for couples to struggle after such losses, often due to differing grieving styles. Grief expert David Kessler remarked that “I do not believe child loss is what causes divorce; I believe judgment of each other’s grief causes divorce.”
Divorce is a significant risk for couples post-loss. A study that tracked over 7,000 pregnant couples for 15 years found that those who experienced miscarriage had a 22% higher likelihood of separating compared to those who didn’t, with an even greater percentage for those who endured stillbirth. The risk of divorce can linger for up to a decade after the loss.
If you’re feeling resentment towards your partner after a pregnancy loss and wish to preserve your relationship, here are some thoughts worth considering:
Remember, He’s Grieving Too.
Though he didn’t physically carry the baby, he was just as invested in the parenting dream. I remember the excitement in David’s eyes when I first told him I was pregnant. I didn’t fully consider his sadness during our losses; I was too wrapped up in my own pain. But fathers experience grief as well. Studies show that fathers often suppress their grief, face employment challenges, and sometimes turn to substance use. It’s tough for them too.
He Likely Feels Helpless.
David is a natural problem-solver, but there’s no simple solution to the grief from pregnancy loss. This can be unsettling for partners and lead them to withdraw: “If I can’t fix it, I don’t want to deal with it.” Their retreat is a sign of their pain.
He’s Probably Scared.
At one point, David expressed, “You’re my rock. I don’t know what to do when you’re crumbling.” He feared he’d lost me irreparably and that I might never recover from our losses. Acknowledging each other’s fears could have allowed for mutual comfort, making our journey smoother.
It’s Not That He Doesn’t Care; He’s Trying to Be Strong.
When Hilaria Baldwin openly discussed her miscarriage, her husband, Alec Baldwin, mentioned, “My wife’s happiness is my prime concern.” Men are often raised to suppress emotions like sadness or fear to appear strong (#toxicmasculinity). Keeping this in mind allows me to extend more empathy toward David.
Seek Support Elsewhere.
Society tends to idealize the idea of a partner being everything one needs. This puts immense pressure on one person. Instead of fixating on David’s inability to meet all my emotional needs, I learned to reach out to friends and family. Seeking support outside of our relationship didn’t mean I was giving up; it relieved some pressure off our marriage. Once I found that support, my anger toward David lessened. My needs were met—sometimes by him, sometimes not—and that ultimately saved us. This experience clarified what we each bring to the relationship and what we might need from others.
Keep the Bigger Picture in Mind.
Grieving is a process with various stages. But these stages are temporary. It’s been a few years since our losses, and we now have a lovely three-year-old daughter from a healthy pregnancy—go figure. I can now say that what we endured strengthened us as a couple. It sounds cliché, but it’s true. Our experiences fostered a confidence in our resilience. We know we can face challenges together.
For further insights on navigating pregnancy loss, check out our other articles, including this one on IVF workplace policies and resources like Hopkins Medicine’s Fertility Center for guidance. Additionally, you might find valuable information on artificial insemination kits helpful.
Search Queries:
- Coping with miscarriage as a couple
- Partner support during pregnancy loss
- Navigating grief after miscarriage
- Emotional effects of miscarriage on fathers
- Understanding different grieving styles
In summary, navigating the aftermath of pregnancy loss can strain relationships, especially when partners have different grieving styles. It’s essential to acknowledge each other’s emotions, seek support from multiple sources, and remember that grief is a shared journey, even if it looks different for each person.
Keyphrase: Coping with miscarriage as a couple
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