A few weeks back, I organized a small, pandemic-friendly birthday celebration for my daughter’s fourth birthday. In an effort to inject some joy into what has been a rather unusual year for her—and for all of us—I dedicated significant time to planning the party. She requested a princess cake, so I donned my apron and baked her a rather impressive (though slightly crooked) cake. She wanted a piñata, so I dove into Pinterest for DIY ideas, nearly injuring myself in the process. I gathered princess-themed crafts, a bright pink princess dress, and an array of somewhat gaudy princess jewelry.
On the day of the celebration, she did have fun—gushing over her dress, indulging in cake, and ensuring her friends left with the least attractive pieces of jewelry. However, she seemed to overlook me completely the entire time.
Going into the party, I didn’t really expect a grand display of gratitude from her. She’s only four, after all, and still requires reminders about saying please and thank you. But when she spent the entire party avoiding me, running away whenever I tried to snap a photo or share a piece of cake, it stung a little.
Once the guests had left, she dashed to her room to play with her new jewelry box—alone. I turned to my husband, feeling anxious, and asked, “Do you think she enjoyed it?” He replied, “She’s four, and there was cake. I’m pretty sure she liked it.” It’s worth noting that my daughter ignored him the whole day, too, but he didn’t appear bothered by it at all. Perhaps it’s because he possesses a better understanding of child development, something I later learned from Janet Lansbury regarding a four-year-old’s limited ability to express appreciation.
Moreover, my daughter has been in quarantine for nearly a year. Hosting a party, even with just a couple of friends, must have been overwhelming for her. It made sense that she was too engrossed in the fun, her friends, and the sugar rush to acknowledge me, or even recognize the effort I’d put in.
In essence, her ignoring me had little to do with my parenting or the party itself; it was entirely about her being four. For ten years, prior to becoming a stay-at-home mom, I was a middle school English teacher. Like many teachers, I was a chronic people-pleaser, often seeking validation in all the wrong places.
Every year, I taught around 120 students. Some liked me, while others didn’t. Yet, I often fixated on the negativity, worrying about the opinions of a few. If a student or their parents had a negative view of me, I’d be consumed by it. Even slight critiques from colleagues or administrators could feel devastating.
When I had my first child after several years of teaching, I became too exhausted to care so much. Though I still let some things affect me, I felt a slight shift in my sensitivity.
A few hours after the party, a friend texted saying how much fun she had at our backyard celebration, even asking about the piñata-making process, which made me feel a swell of pride. It was then that I experienced a realization. My daughter is four. She isn’t my boss or a judge of my parenting. Why was I allowing her perceptions to impact my sense of accomplishment and self-worth?
I put in the effort to organize an event for her, cleaned the house, baked a cake, and even enlisted my husband’s help with the piñata after I had an accident. I demonstrated to her that she was loved and cherished, which should have brought me peace.
While it can be tempting to let my children’s unpredictable responses shape my self-assessment as a parent, that approach is flawed. Just as I wouldn’t allow a teenager’s critique of my teaching methods to shake my confidence, I shouldn’t let my daughter’s indifference undermine my parenting.
As my children grow, they will develop their opinions—both enthusiastic and indifferent—about how my husband and I choose to raise them. They will undoubtedly provide feedback on what they liked and what they didn’t, but we must also trust our instincts.
As I plan my younger son’s second birthday party, I find comfort in knowing I’ve given myself the liberty to focus less on external judgments and more on what I believe is best for my children. Even if my son ends up allergic to a petting zoo animal or decides he wants a pony cake instead of a construction-themed one, the thought, effort, and love I invest in caring for him will always matter the most.
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In summary, it’s imperative to remember that my children’s fleeting opinions shouldn’t dictate my feelings about my parenting. Instead, I should focus on the love and effort I put into raising them, which is what truly counts.
Keyphrase: Parenting Confidence
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