Here’s a reality: I truly cherish my mother.
And here’s another reality: I fear becoming her.
I realize that may sound harsh, even ungrateful, especially considering the remarkable mother she has been. She divorced my father when my brother and I were just three and five years old. He vanished from our lives, leaving her to raise us alone. She juggled three jobs and ensured we never felt hunger. She set boundaries while offering forgiveness for our mistakes. She encouraged us to excel and strive for greatness.
To achieve all of this, she sacrificed every aspect of her own life for my brother and me. Nights out were rare, personal interests were neglected, and she lost any sense of self beyond the label of “single mother.” She devoted everything to us, but in doing so, she didn’t lay a foundation for her own life, especially as we’ve grown into adults with our own families.
Now, my brother and I are adults with children of our own. She thrives on stories and visits with her grandchildren, which we try to arrange frequently. In her downtime, she engages in quiet activities to keep herself occupied. However, she lacks meaningful friendships, hobbies, or aspirations to pursue. She doesn’t show much interest in changing that. Often, she finds herself alone, content to await the next visit or update. From an outsider’s perspective, it seems profoundly lonely.
Looking at her life feels like a glimpse into a future I’m racing toward. And it terrifies me.
Recently, I separated from my children’s father. For multiple reasons, he is completely absent from our lives and will not return. I am now solely responsible for my two daughters, managing all their needs—financially and emotionally. It’s eerily reminiscent of the life my mother led at my age.
I understand the immense effort a single mother must exert to keep afloat. I know the dedication it takes to raise two children to become kind individuals. It demands everything, and I am willing to give it all—just as my mother did for us. My daughters deserve nothing less.
Yet, I can’t help but look at my mother’s current life and realize I don’t want that future for myself. I am frightened of history repeating itself, of sacrificing too much and ending up with nothing left. Even though she is happy with her choices and has earned the right to a peaceful life, I know I wouldn’t feel the same.
I recognize that I need to establish a foundation for my life beyond motherhood—after my kids grow up and embark on their own journeys. It’s essential for me to invest time in nurturing friendships now for the future. I must direct energy toward building the life I want later, something my mother never took away from my brother or me.
So how do I reconcile this? How can I give as much as she gave while not sacrificing everything she sacrificed? How do I find that delicate balance?
I could give fully as she did and wait for my turn in a decade. Life doesn’t end in your late forties when kids head off to college. In fact, there are countless stories illustrating that life can become even more fulfilling around that age.
But patience has never been my strong suit.
Ultimately, the solution for me might be to stop seeking balance. I need to embrace the idea that keeping a little “me” for myself means I won’t be giving everything away. Motherhood shouldn’t be about total sacrifice. You don’t have to give up everything to be a good mother—even as a single parent—who nurtures and encourages her children.
Additionally, I should take a step back from my fears of becoming like my mother and instead allow her the grace to enjoy the life she has created. She is happy, filling her days with activities she loves. Perhaps she is living the life she envisioned for herself.
I often tell myself that my mother stumbled into her current life by accident, thinking that by giving so much to us, she inadvertently left nothing for herself. But I never asked her if that was the truth. Maybe she was fully aware of her choices, navigating what was best for her while also being the best mother she could be.
If that’s the case, I may have a lot to learn from her.
For more insights on this topic, check out this blog post, and explore the resources available on home insemination at Make a Mom, which provides valuable information and guidance.
Search Queries:
- home insemination kit
- self insemination
- single parenting challenges
- balancing motherhood and self
- building a life after kids
Summary:
The article explores the author’s love and admiration for her mother while expressing the fear of repeating her mother’s sacrifices and losing her own identity in motherhood. It emphasizes the need for balance, personal growth, and the importance of nurturing one’s own interests and friendships, even while being a devoted parent. The author acknowledges her mother’s happiness and recognizes the lessons she can learn from her experiences.
Keyphrase: Fear of Becoming Like My Mother
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]