To My Unloving Parents: Grateful for the Lessons Learned

pregnant woman throwing toddler in the air sitting by a tree

Dear Susan and Mark,

It feels strange to refer to you as my parents. In my heart, I’ve never truly felt like I had any. You were present, but emotionally absent.

For years, I’ve grappled with anger. You were correct; I do have issues with anger. Being told I couldn’t express negative feelings, being shamed for my hurt, and experiencing gaslighting has resulted in deep-seated anger issues. You taught me that expressing anger equated to being a bad person. Yet, despite your volatility and verbal abuse, I was the one who felt like the bad person. You left me confused, questioning my own sanity, and wondering if I was evil or undeserving of love.

The anger I feel towards you pales in comparison to the anger I’ve felt towards myself. I’ve asked myself repeatedly—why wasn’t I lovable enough? Why wasn’t I pretty enough? Why wasn’t I interesting enough? Why wasn’t I enough? I internalized the belief that it was my fault. You made it clear that you were never to blame. I became an expert at holding myself accountable for your actions against me.

But I was just a child. You were the adults. It was never my responsibility.

I understand I was not the ideal child. Yes, I caused you stress at times. Yes, you had your own struggles, and parenting was hard for you. But that doesn’t justify your actions. You were in the wrong.

I’ve waited a long time for genuine apologies. I might have reconsidered reconnecting if I believed you had changed. However, your apologies feel empty. You say them because you know it’s what people expect, not because you truly feel remorse. You hope I will forget the past and we can return to “normal.”

What you fail to realize is that your version of normal is not acceptable to me. I refuse to return to a place where I hate myself, live in fear, and feel unloved.

Your apologies hurt more than silence. You seem to believe that parents shouldn’t have to apologize to their children. When your apologies come with instructions for me to not get upset and simply accept your words, I know my hope for change is futile. You think parents are always right and should be respected unconditionally.

I did respect you. But I believe respect is earned, and so is disrespect. While I would never be cruel, I cannot respect those who repeatedly hurt their own children and take their forgiveness for granted.

The last time I spoke to you, Susan, you made a passive-aggressive comment about hoping nothing goes wrong with my children. I understood your implication. You secretly wish my kids will distance themselves from me so I might finally comprehend your perspective. Mark, in your last letter, you remarked on the difficulties of parenting, hoping I’ll struggle too and come to the same conclusion.

Those words were deeply hurtful. They invalidated my feelings and shattered my hope for your growth.

So, thank you, Susan and Mark, for illustrating the importance of adults apologizing to their children. Thank you for teaching me that unconditional respect for parents isn’t warranted. Thank you for demonstrating that parents must own their actions, regardless of their challenges. Thank you for showing me that apologies must be heartfelt and followed by actions that reassure children they are safe and can trust their parents.

Thank you for teaching me how NOT to parent. If I ever find myself in a position of hurting my children, I will not be too proud to admit my mistakes. I will acknowledge their feelings and strive to create an environment where they can express themselves openly and safely.

Thank you for the lessons learned.

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In summary, this letter reflects on the lessons learned from a painful upbringing, emphasizing the importance of accountability in parenting. While expressing gratitude for the negative experiences, it also highlights a commitment to breaking the cycle by fostering a healthier, more supportive environment for future generations.

Keyphrase: Lessons from Abusive Parents

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