Here’s the honest reality: I experienced four pregnancy losses, and with each one, my feelings toward my partner soured.
My First Loss
My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, where the embryo implanted in my fallopian tube, leading to an emergency surgery that not only ended the pregnancy but also posed a serious risk to my life. The day after the surgery, while I lay in bed, groggy from pain medication, my partner, Alex, went out to a hockey game with his brother. When I vented my frustration to a friend, she shared a similar experience, saying, “When I had my miscarriage, my husband went on a trip to Vegas.” This pattern of behavior seems common among some partners in the aftermath of pregnancy loss. Psychologists refer to it as avoidance; I call it incredibly frustrating.
Alex’s Coping Mechanisms
Throughout my four losses (which included two ectopic pregnancies, a first-trimester miscarriage, and a second-trimester miscarriage), Alex immersed himself in various activities. He took up mountain biking, mapped out new routes in the local hills, and left those maps scattered around the house. He went on long runs and even volunteered for local initiatives he had never shown interest in before. His obsession with cleaning reached new heights; I once found him scrubbing the backyard cement. At one point, he even enrolled in a disaster preparedness course, researching things like, “Can you drink pool water in an emergency?” I often wondered if this was a metaphor for his feelings of vulnerability after our losses.
The Absence of Communication
One thing that was glaringly absent from his list of activities was talking to me. I craved conversations about our experiences, but this need clashed with his desire to “move on.” He preferred to bury himself in daily life as if nothing had happened. I felt resentful about his stoicism and that I was the one left feeling like a wreck. To me, it seemed as if he wasn’t grieving at all—he was just too busy.
Understanding Grief in Couples Therapy
It took time and couples therapy for me to realize that Alex was grieving; he just had a different approach. While co-authoring “All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss,” I discussed extensively with my collaborators, a clinical social worker and a psychologist, how common it is for couples to face challenges after such losses, primarily due to differing grieving styles. As grief expert David Kessler noted in an interview with Brené Brown, “I do not believe child loss causes divorce; I believe the judgment of each other’s grief does.”
The Threat of Divorce
The threat of divorce is a very real concern for couples after a loss. A study tracking over 7,000 pregnant couples for fifteen years found that those who experienced a miscarriage were 22% more likely to separate than those who hadn’t faced such loss, with even higher rates for couples experiencing stillbirth. The increased risk of separation can be observed up to a decade after the event.
Considerations for Couples Facing Pregnancy Loss
If you’re feeling resentment towards your partner after a pregnancy loss and want to preserve your relationship, consider the following:
- Remember, he lost a baby too. While he didn’t carry the baby, he was envisioning parenthood just like you. I recall the joy in Alex’s eyes when I first shared my pregnancy news. His disappointment during our losses often didn’t register with me, as I was too engulfed in my own grief. But fathers experience pain too. Research indicates that fathers often suppress their grief, face work-related challenges, and may struggle with increased substance use following stillbirth.
- He likely feels helpless. Alex is a natural problem-solver, yet there’s no easy solution to the grief of pregnancy loss. This can be unsettling for partners, causing them to withdraw: “If I can’t fix it, I won’t engage.” Their retreat is often a reflection of their own pain.
- He probably feels scared, too. At one point, Alex expressed his fear: “You’re my rock. I don’t know what to do when you’re crumbling.” He was worried that he had “lost” me irreparably and that I might never recover from our losses. We should have acknowledged each other’s fears, which would have paved the way for mutual comfort and understanding.
- It’s not that he doesn’t care; he’s trying to “stay strong.” Men are often socialized to suppress sadness or fear to maintain a façade of strength. This societal pressure can make it harder for them to express their emotions, which can be frustrating for their partners.
- Sometimes, you need to seek support from others. Society tends to romanticize the idea of a partner being the sole source of emotional support, which can be overwhelming. Instead of fixating on Alex’s inability to meet my emotional needs, I reached out to friends and family for support. This didn’t mean I was giving up on our marriage; it alleviated some pressure on our relationship. Once I received that support, my anger towards Alex lessened. My needs were met, sometimes by others, and that ultimately strengthened our bond.
- Keep an eye on the bigger picture. Grieving is a process, and it comes in phases. Several years have passed since our losses, and we now have a healthy three-year-old daughter from a successful pregnancy. Looking back, I can see how our experiences made us a stronger couple. It may sound cliché, but these challenges have instilled a sense of resilience in us; I know we can weather many storms together.
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Summary
The journey through pregnancy loss can strain relationships, leading to feelings of resentment. It’s essential to recognize that both partners experience grief differently. Understanding each other’s emotions, seeking outside support, and keeping the larger picture in mind can help couples navigate this challenging time and emerge stronger together.
Keyphrase: Pregnancy loss and relationship dynamics
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