When I first heard about the tragic events in Atlanta, where eight innocent people lost their lives, six of whom were Asian women, I felt a deep pit of despair in my stomach. The surge of violence and animosity directed at people who resemble my family and me had reached an alarming peak. Questions flooded my mind. Was this a grim turning point? Would the situation only deteriorate from here?
After expressing my worries and sadness to my wife, who is White, we decided that I should speak with our older children about these distressing events. Discussing senseless violence and loss with kids is challenging, but, unfortunately, I’ve had ample experience with difficult conversations regarding recent events like the murder of George Floyd and the Capitol insurrection, as well as the racism faced by Asian Americans.
Both my wife and I aim to ensure our kids understand and are aware of current events, especially those that touch on our family’s values around social justice and our biracial identity. Though I may never find the perfect way to express these ideas, I believe that creating imperfect teachable moments is far better than leaving my kids uninformed or reliant on secondhand accounts.
I wanted to take my time before speaking with my children, so I spent a day processing my own emotions. I wanted to ensure I could share the news without becoming overwhelmed or frightening them. The next day, I asked my two oldest daughters, aged 10 and 8, to sit down for a conversation. I informed them of something distressing that had occurred.
Adapting my message to their maturity levels, I explained that a tragic incident had happened involving a man who killed eight people, including six Asian women. I expressed that this deeply upset me because lives were lost and some of the victims looked like us. I reminded them of our previous discussions about hatred and violence against Asians, emphasizing how this has become particularly pronounced during the pandemic due to COVID-19 originating in China.
As I concluded the conversation, I faced the most challenging part. I didn’t want to end on a grim note or leave them feeling anxious. So I told them they would be safe. I had no real assurance of this, but it felt necessary to say. To bolster their reassurance, I mentioned that these events occurred far away on the other side of the country.
Immediately after our talk, I recognized that I had been dishonest. I couldn’t guarantee their safety from harm. In fact, statistics from Stop AAPI Hate indicate a rise in hate incidents in California and among youth. Just the week before, I had learned about an assault on an Asian man in a predominantly Asian neighborhood just a few miles from our home. Beyond physical violence, my family could face other forms of hate, including verbal harassment, social ostracism, and vandalism.
So why did I tell my kids they would be okay? First, I felt a strong instinct to protect them. As a parent, I want to prepare my children for the challenges of the world. That’s why I felt it was important to discuss these tragic events — to equip them for harsh realities. Yet, I didn’t want to instill a paralyzing fear in them. So, I lied, saying they would be fine.
Additionally, as an Asian man, I often struggle with acknowledging and expressing my own feelings. Throughout my life, I have tended to suppress my emotions, telling myself that they would interfere with my responsibilities. I didn’t want to burden my kids with the anger and hatred I feel towards those perpetuating this violence. So, I lied and assured them they would be okay.
Lastly, I felt lost regarding what actions were being taken to address this situation. If I had known of specific measures being implemented to combat anti-Asian violence, I would have eagerly shared them with my kids. At that moment, I lacked any tangible hope to impart. It often feels like Asian Americans are the only ones invested in addressing these issues. Thus, the best comfort I could provide was vague reassurances. So, I lied and told them they would be okay.
I look forward to the day when I can truthfully tell my children that they will be safe. In my darkest moments, I fear that this day may never come for either of us. Yet, in my more hopeful moments, I believe that families like ours speaking out and working together can help drive the necessary changes.
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Summary:
In a heartfelt reflection, a father shares the challenges of discussing violence and racism with his children following a tragic shooting in Atlanta. Struggling to balance protection with honesty, he grapples with his instincts to reassure them while acknowledging the harsh realities of the world they live in. He expresses a desire for a future where he can truthfully tell his kids they are safe, while recognizing the importance of addressing these difficult topics.
Keyphrase: Asian dad discussing violence with kids
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