A few weeks ago, I hosted a small, pandemic-friendly birthday celebration for my daughter’s fourth birthday. Eager to bring some joy to what has been a confusing year for all of us, I dedicated myself to planning the perfect party. She requested a princess cake, so I donned my apron and crafted a rather impressive (though somewhat uneven) cake. She wanted a piñata, so I scoured Pinterest for ideas and nearly injured myself in the process of making one. I also gathered princess-themed crafts, a bright neon princess dress, and an assortment of rather unattractive costume jewelry.
On the day of the event, my daughter seemed to have a delightful time. She beamed at her dress, indulged in cake, and made sure her friends left with the least desirable pieces of jewelry. However, she paid little attention to me throughout the festivities.
Before the party, I didn’t have high expectations for her expressions of gratitude—after all, she is only four and still learning about manners. But when she spent the entire party avoiding me, even running away when I tried to take a picture or share a bite of cake, it stung.
When the celebration ended, her friends left, and she quickly dashed to her room to play with her new jewelry box. I turned to my husband, feeling a mix of anxiety and desperation, and asked, “Do you think she enjoyed it?” He reassured me, “She’s four, and there was cake. I’m pretty sure she liked it.” It’s worth noting that my daughter had ignored him all day too, but it didn’t seem to bother him at all. He possesses a natural understanding of child development that I came to appreciate through insights from Janet Lansbury. Spoiler alert: young children have very limited capacity to express appreciation.
Moreover, my daughter has been in quarantine for nearly a year. Having a party in the backyard, even one with just a couple of friends and their siblings, must have been overwhelming for her. It makes sense that she was wrapped up in the activities, her friends, and the sugar rush, rather than focusing on me or acknowledging that I was the one behind all the fun.
Ultimately, her indifference had nothing to do with me or her thoughts on the party; it stemmed entirely from her own experience and the fact that she’s just four. Before becoming a stay-at-home mom, I spent a decade as a middle school English teacher. Like many educators, I was a chronic people pleaser, often fixating on the disapproval of others.
Every year, I taught around 120 adolescents. While many enjoyed my classes, some did not. Unfortunately, I often found myself consumed by the opinions of those who didn’t appreciate me. If a student disliked me or a parent voiced concern, I would spiral into anxiety, worrying excessively about their opinions.
After my daughter was born, I started to feel more at ease. Though I still let some things bother me and often vented to my husband, I noticed a slight shift in my sensitivity.
A few hours post-party, a friend texted me, sharing how much fun she had at the event and asking how I made the piñata. Her kind words filled me with pride and sparked an epiphany: My daughter is just four years old. She is not my boss or the judge of my parenting skills. Why was I allowing my self-worth to be tied to her response to my efforts?
At the end of the day, I organized a special day for her, cleaned the house, baked a cake, and even enlisted my husband to help with the piñata after I nearly hurt myself. I demonstrated love and care for my daughter, and that alone should be enough for me to rest easy at night.
While it may be tempting to let my kids’ unpredictable reactions dictate my self-assessment as a parent, that approach is flawed. Just as I wouldn’t allow a critical student to judge my teaching methods, I shouldn’t let my daughter’s fleeting opinions shake my confidence in my parenting choices.
As my children grow, they will undoubtedly share many opinions—both favorable and unfavorable—about how my husband and I raise them. They’ll provide feedback on what they enjoyed and, likely more often, what they didn’t. While it’s natural to seek and value constructive criticism, it’s equally vital to trust our instincts as parents.
As I prepare for my younger son’s second birthday party, I feel liberated knowing that I can focus on what truly matters—caring for him and creating a loving environment—rather than worrying about meeting anyone else’s expectations. Whether he ends up allergic to an animal at the petting zoo or suddenly decides he wanted a pony cake instead of a construction-themed one, my assessment of the love and effort I put into his birthday celebration is what truly counts.
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In summary, while my kids may have their opinions, it’s essential for me to remember that my self-worth as a parent should not be contingent upon their fleeting reactions. Instead, I should focus on the love and effort I put into their lives, knowing that in the end, that’s what truly matters.
Keyphrase: Parenting Confidence
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