From The Confessional: Birthdays Can Be Tough

My son recently celebrated his eighth birthday, and we did our best to make it memorable, even in the midst of a continuing pandemic. With virtual schooling, there were no class treats or grand gatherings at trampoline parks or Chuck E. Cheese. Instead, we gifted him some online shopping money for Fortnite, ordered his favorite takeout, sang “Happy Birthday” over cake, and enjoyed a bit of socially-distanced playtime in the park with a couple of friends.

For kids, birthdays are monumental occasions, and parents everywhere have spent the past year brainstorming ways to make their children feel cherished while keeping everyone safe. Our family was no exception.

However, once you hit 41, birthdays tend to lose their luster. I’m not particularly worried about aging, so my own birthday doesn’t weigh heavily on my mind. It’s just not something I dwell on the way I do for my kids.

For many, though, birthdays can stir up unpleasant feelings, serving as reminders of past wounds, lost loved ones, or even the dread of family gatherings that you’d rather avoid. This year, those feelings were compounded by COVID-19, making it even harder to find solitude when you’re stuck at home with a boisterous family.

When my daughter asked what I wanted for my birthday, I jokingly replied, “Just 15 minutes of silence!” She agreed and promptly went to bed. The next morning, she bounded into the room, cheerfully announcing, “Mama, I went a whole 8 hours! Happy birthday!” What can you do?

For my birthday, my desire is simple: a hotel room where I can enjoy some peace and quiet. Last year, I told my husband I wanted one day free from political chatter. He managed to keep it at bay for a whole two hours.

For many moms, this is the top item on our birthday wish lists. We don’t crave new shoes, jewelry, or flowers; we yearn for tranquility, a moment to ourselves.

Last night was particularly frustrating. First, we learned the puppy we were expecting in two days would be delayed by at least three weeks due to parvo. Then, my mother-in-law announced plans to visit in May for my son’s birthday, which I definitely don’t want.

Various family obligations can weigh us down. One relative wanted to throw a party for my nephew, and we had to feign being busy. I’m just so tired of family drama.

Many of us have complicated relationships with our in-laws. They can be a source of disappointment, whether it’s their absence on special days or their attempts to take over the celebrations. For example, my mother-in-law has stopped giving my kids birthday and Christmas gifts, despite having the means to do so. Who does that to their own grandchildren?

In-laws can be tricky. Sometimes they’ll give your kids gifts but insist they stay at their house. “Here’s your present, but you can’t keep it.” Really? Just buy something else for your home if you want to keep a toy there.

This year, I’ve decided that my niece and nephew will receive the same gifts as my kids: cash stuffed in a card, handed over a week later. It’s a fair trade.

There are two sides to the in-law dynamic: either they overstep and create chaos during celebrations, or they completely ignore the occasion. Both scenarios are frustrating.

I’ve taken to purchasing my own gifts with my husband’s money because I want what I want. No more pretending to be grateful for his less-than-desirable choices.

One year, my husband forgot my birthday twice out of three years. This time, I’m treating myself to something special—using his credit card, of course.

After more than a decade together, he still struggles with understanding my love language. It feels like every year, my birthday ends up being a disappointment, and I often wonder why it’s so hard for him to make this day special.

On my birthday this year, he brought home a fancy chocolate cake. But guess what? It was for his mother.

All we want is to feel valued on our special day. As I approach another birthday during the pandemic, I find myself feeling more down than I expected. I shouldn’t have to plan my own birthday at 35, especially since I always make an effort to show love to others. Why can’t anyone celebrate me?

It’s a common feeling: checking in on others but never receiving the same care in return. I used to remember everyone’s birthdays, but when the kindness wasn’t reciprocated, I stopped. Now I feel a sense of emptiness, wondering what the point is.

The reality is that childhood birthdays are usually filled with joy and excitement, but as we grow older, they can become a reminder of loneliness and a lack of appreciation. Let’s make it a point to show love on birthdays. Everyone deserves to feel celebrated, and a heartfelt “Happy Birthday” can go a long way, even if it doesn’t cost much.

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In summary, birthdays can be bittersweet, especially as we age. While our children’s celebrations often bring joy, for many adults, these days can highlight feelings of neglect and loneliness. It’s important to remember to show love to those around us on their special days, ensuring that everyone feels valued and appreciated.

Keyphrase: Birthday reflections and feelings

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