I Worked So Hard to Ensure Fairness Among My Kids, and I Regret It

I still vividly recall the first night our second child came home. My partner and I were in bed, cradling her, smiling, and showering her with love when our 13-month-old strolled down the hallway and shot us a piercing glare. That innocent baby seemed to say, “What’s she doing in my space, cozying up with you?”

In that moment, my heart shattered. I felt an overwhelming urge to reassure my toddler that my love for him and his sister was boundless, and there would always be room for him in our bed. But let’s pause to reflect on the absurdity of trying to prove something to a 13-month-old. What could I possibly demonstrate to someone so young? I wanted to convey a message of equality, to show that neither child was favored over the other.

I desperately needed him to see the love and understanding I carried in my heart reflected back at me through his eyes. Unfortunately, this marked the beginning of a misguided parenting journey, and looking back, I wish I had approached it differently.

With three children born within just 2.5 years, the early days felt like a logistical nightmare. Every outing required military precision. I kept a mental checklist, carefully portioning snacks down to the last goldfish, ensuring each child received an identical amount of juice. If one expressed a desire for more, I held my ground. It simply wasn’t fair.

At bedtime, I aimed to equally divide my reading and snuggling time among them. But as I soon discovered, some books were longer than others, which meant I had to spend more time with the child who preferred the lengthier stories. Oh no, my carefully maintained scorecard was now off-balance! I would lie awake at night, anxious about how to distribute my attention fairly among my incredible kids the next day.

It has been a long and challenging journey, filled with hard-earned lessons (mostly for me). This approach to parenting has ultimately been unhelpful for both me and my children. I often wished a fairy godmother would have appeared that night when our toddler walked in. I longed to have parented differently—not just for my children’s happiness but for my own peace of mind.

Children are unique individuals with diverse needs and desires. Some require extra hugs at bedtime, others want more snacks, quiet time, or social interaction. The list is endless and changes as quickly as they do. Keeping track of who needs what is futile; it serves no one. I found myself on the treadmill of trying to create equality and fairness, trapped in a cycle of pleasing everyone.

Occasionally, I would visit my therapist and share my frustrations. One day, he said something that struck me deeply: “You resent your child because they are making you be the type of parent you don’t want to be.” In that moment, I realized he was right. If I became the parent that each child truly needed, my flawed strategy of fairness wouldn’t work, and I would have to make significant changes. It would require tough love and some uncomfortable adjustments.

Reflecting back, I understood that my resentment was not directed at my child but at myself for lacking the courage to make difficult parenting choices that might cause tears. This wasn’t the fun side of parenting, but it was essential preparation for their future.

During my time teaching preschool, I consistently honored each child’s unique interests and needs, a principle I wish I had embraced earlier in my parenting journey. Now, with my three children aged 17, 18, and 19, I see that they have different schedules, preferences, and friendships. They are distinct in every way, yet they all embody kindness and goodness. So perhaps I didn’t mess things up as badly as I thought.

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In summary, I learned that parenting isn’t about strict equality but rather understanding and meeting the individual needs of each child. Embracing their uniqueness has been far more rewarding than trying to maintain an unrealistic standard of fairness.

Keyphrase: Parenting equality struggles

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