By: Sarah Mitchell
After ending a tough phone call, I stared blankly at the numbers jotted on a worn-out Post-it note. The assessment revealed my son’s IQ was significantly low, and I was at a loss for how to respond. Grief battled with anger inside me. It wasn’t that I anticipated brilliance, but rather, the stark reality of a number that seemed to box my child’s potential. I longed for a measure that showcased his resilience, his spirit, and most importantly, his value. Instead, I was faced with a label that felt like a verdict. But my son is far from what that number suggests; he is courageous, having fought through challenges that would overwhelm many adults.
The Perils of Keeping Score
As time has passed, fewer people inquire about my son’s well-being. He has integrated into our community and appears “normal.” While this outwardly brings me joy, it masks the truth—he is not entirely healed. He has become adept at concealing his struggles, and though his wounds might not be as visible, they still exist. His journey toward healing has been gradual, much like a deep-seated wound that appears healed but requires ongoing care.
During my years working in an ICU, I encountered a patient with a wound that looked superficially okay. However, upon closer examination, it revealed serious underlying issues that required significant intervention. Similarly, my son, Ethan, might look fine on the outside, but we have to remain vigilant in recognizing and addressing his deeper emotional scars.
Healing Takes Time
The changes in Ethan are evident. The days of him needing a spoon to carry around or isolating himself in silence have faded. He no longer falls asleep with his hands clenched, nor does he cry out in fear when we leave home. His physical health has improved; he has gained weight and appears stronger.
Yet, our challenges began the moment we brought him home from the institution. We thought we were done with the hard part, but in reality, we had just begun the arduous work of helping a child transition from a life of rigid structure and limited stimulation into a chaotic family environment. The sensory overload of everyday life would often overwhelm him, and we quickly learned that headphones could help him cope with the noise.
Recognizing the Impact of Trauma
The smell of the orphanage is one I’ll never forget—fear, sweat, and neglect. The first time I undressed Ethan, I was hit with the reality of his frail body, marked by neglect and deprivation. He had no signs of play on his skin, which told me he had spent far too long in a crib, isolated from the world. In that moment, I realized that the psychological scars from his childhood might be even more significant than the physical ones he bore.
When we first offered him food, he was so hungry that he consumed an astonishing number of applesauce packets. It became crucial for us to provide him with an environment where he felt in control. We learned to be patient and responsive to his needs, discovering that love and family alone cannot erase the trauma he experienced.
Lessons Learned
Reflecting on our journey, I wish I had understood that trauma cannot simply be “fixed.” Children from difficult backgrounds often have altered perceptions and responses. We have had to redefine our understanding of success. For Ethan, a successful day might not involve academic achievements but rather moments of connection, reassurance, and peace.
As I sat reading in the living room one evening, I heard Ethan calling for me, asking for a glass of water. This simple moment was monumental for him. In the past, he would cry silently, hidden in the dark—alone. Now, he understands that he has a family who will come to him when he reaches out.
In that spirit, I ripped up the Post-it note that once held those painful numbers. It could never encapsulate the journey Ethan has taken or the progress he has made. He has a powerful story that transcends any singular score, and that is what truly matters.
For those navigating similar paths, consider exploring this article for more insights. It’s important to understand that every child’s journey is unique, and there are resources available, such as WebMD’s guide, to support families in various stages of their parenting journey.
Summary
This article highlights the journey of parenting a child with special needs, emphasizing that traditional metrics like IQ scores fail to capture a child’s true growth and resilience. It advocates for understanding the deeper emotional wounds children may carry and the importance of nurturing their unique paths to healing.