The first time he struck me, I was completely unprepared. He was heavily intoxicated, and we were in the kitchen, arguing over trivial matters—like dinner, finances, and yes, even a squished banana. It’s hard to believe that a piece of fruit could lead to such violence. But honestly, the specifics are less important than the realization that, in that moment, I became “that woman”—a broken, battered woman who hid the truth about her injuries. I wish I could say that this was a one-time event; I wish I could say I walked away. Instead, I endured an abusive relationship for a decade, followed by six more years.
I still share a roof with my abuser.
You might be wondering why I didn’t just leave. After all, it’s been six years since that last incident of violence. I haven’t faced physical harm in 2,190 days, yet here I remain—like countless others. The reasons for my decision are deeply rooted and multifaceted.
As stated by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, “Abusive relationships are incredibly complex, and it takes immense courage to leave.” Abuse is fundamentally about power and control. When a survivor attempts to leave, it threatens the established dynamics, which can provoke retaliation from the abuser. This period of separation is often the most perilous for victims. Additionally, feelings of codependency and a loss of independence are prevalent among those enduring abuse. Escaping such a situation is overwhelming.
People remain in abusive relationships for a variety of reasons. One individual shared, “[I stayed because] I was terrified of him.” Another stated, “I had no money and a three-month-old baby; he controlled everything.” Isolation is a huge factor too, as one person noted, “I thought I had no friends and no support if I left.”
I stayed for many of these reasons. My husband struggled with severe alcoholism and only became violent when under its influence. I convinced myself that his behavior was a byproduct of his illness, and I found ways to rationalize it. Our wedding vows echoed in my mind: “in sickness and in health.” How could I abandon him in his time of need?
Fear gripped me—not just fear of him, but fear of myself. My self-worth was shattered. I felt utterly incapable of surviving on my own, and I was ashamed. How could I be so weak? I remained with a man who not only hurt me physically but also emotionally and psychologically. Yes, he even nearly drowned me once. Yet, amid the chaos, I still loved him. We had been friends since childhood, and I often recalled the boy he once was, hoping he would return.
This emotional attachment is common among those in abusive relationships. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that having deep feelings for an abuser doesn’t negate the experience of abuse. Survivors may wish to preserve their family, especially when children are involved, or they might hold on to the hope that their partner will revert to their former loving self.
I’m on a journey to break free from this trauma bond. Each day, I work to rebuild my spirit and strength, transforming from a victim into a survivor. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call emergency services. If you can reach out safely, talk to someone you trust, whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist, or consider volunteering at a local abuse shelter. There are resources available, such as this helpful guide on IUI.
For more insights on navigating challenging situations, check out this blog post or explore resources on fertility and support at Make a Mom.
Summary
Victims of abuse often remain in harmful relationships due to fear, financial dependency, isolation, and emotional attachment to their partners. Understanding these complexities is crucial in supporting survivors in their journey toward healing and empowerment.
Keyphrase: abuse survivors and their reasons for staying
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