I suffer from clinical anxiety. While I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder, it’s the GAD that truly wreaks havoc. The term “generalized” often implies various interpretations, and for me, it manifests as fixations. These fixations mean that my anxiety compels me to obsess over issues that most would consider trivial or even unlikely. A fixation can be relentless: it robs me of sleep, invades my dreams, and consumes my waking hours.
Currently, my fixation revolves around the fear of a home invasion. I have three (very large) dogs, including a 110-pound, impeccably trained German Shepherd who would fiercely protect us. My husband insists that our home is nearly impossible to break into. Yet, I can’t shake these thoughts. I often find myself in tears, replaying terrifying scenarios involving intruders in our home.
Despite my husband’s reassurance, I feel trapped in this relentless fixation. I’ve urged him to purchase various security measures. Although he typically holds progressive views on gun ownership, I’ve even contemplated buying a firearm. These thoughts linger, and despite employing all my dialectical behavior therapy techniques—like my “Teflon mind” strategy, where I envision letting harmful thoughts slide off my mind—I can’t seem to escape. So, I resort to taking another Klonopin and wait for the storm to pass.
My Anxiety Often Takes the Form of Fixations
I’ve previously shared how my anxiety has led to an obsession with the mortality of loved ones. This fixation made sense, as I lost someone dear at the age of nineteen. Since then, I’ve been haunted by the fear of losing those I love. If they’re out of sight, my mind spirals into dark scenarios of their demise.
When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband attended a concert for three days, and I spent that time in tears, convinced he wouldn’t return. My mind ran wild with the worst-case scenarios, making those days utterly torturous.
Rationality Doesn’t Always Apply
The nature of a fixation is often irrational. After the birth of my third child, I became convinced that his head would somehow detach. I couldn’t understand this fear, nor could I shake the anxiety surrounding the fragility of his tiny organs. This led to a diagnosis of postpartum anxiety, and my medication was adjusted.
The Ripple Effect of a Fixation
At present, even the slightest noise sends me into a panic. I struggle to answer the door and my fixation on my husband’s safety has only exacerbated his own anxiety. When I became obsessed with whether I was homeschooling my children adequately, my husband had to navigate my breakdowns, and my children’s school days were extended as a consequence.
Living with a fixation can be exhausting. People often overlook that anxiety and depression can manifest physically, causing muscle tension and general discomfort. Some days, I feel so drained that I need to nap, which takes away precious time I could spend with my family.
Sleep also suffers when I’m fixated. When I find it difficult to settle down, I often require my husband’s presence to feel secure. This disrupts his sleep and causes me to wake at the crack of dawn, stealing more moments from my family.
Time for a Medication Review
When I experience a fixation, I usually need to reassess my medication. Whether it’s increasing my anti-anxiety meds or adjusting another prescription, I often find that therapy techniques alone don’t suffice. However, it’s essential to continue seeking help and sharing the impact of these fixations with my healthcare provider.
If you find yourself cycling through fixations, remember that you’re not alone. It’s a common symptom of anxiety disorders. If you’re not currently seeing a therapist or psychiatrist, it’s time to seek help. And if you are, be honest about how these fixations are affecting your daily life. While they often signal a need for medication adjustments, they might also indicate a need for new therapy strategies or even a different therapist. Living with a fixation isn’t normal, but there is help available, and it’s crucial to reach out for it.
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