In high school sex education, our male coaches, who typically taught physical education, presented unsettling slides of genitalia marred by various red sores as a scare tactic to deter us from sexual activity. Another method of instruction involved our anonymous sex questions, which we submitted on slips of paper into a hat. The coaches would pull them out and read them aloud, but they rarely provided meaningful answers. This often led to snickers from the class, encouraging jokes like, “What STD can you get at Red Lobster? Crabs!” The entire experience felt more like a comedy show than an educational setting, and the results were far from amusing. The absence of genuine sexual education left us misinformed.
Our educators stressed two primary threats of sex: pregnancy and STDs, neglecting crucial discussions about consent, boundaries, or anything beyond vaginal intercourse. I recall one instance when a teacher demonstrated how to put a condom on a banana, which understandably upset many parents. This led us to believe that anything other than vaginal sex was acceptable and safe. The same “don’t have sex” rules extended into our church teachings. We were led to believe that the wrath of God would descend upon us if we dared to explore beyond the bases, with a home run being the ultimate taboo. The messages surrounding abstinence distorted our understanding of sex and left us without a grasp of our bodies or personal boundaries.
The True Love Waits movement, a hallmark of purity culture, taught us that our virginity was a precious gift meant to be shared only with our future spouse on our wedding night. After that, we could indulge in sexual relations and hopefully start families quickly. This was seen as the path to a joyous, fulfilling, and sin-free life, sparing us and our parents from shame. If you’ve watched Bridgerton, you can relate to Daphne’s futile attempts to gain real information about sex from her mother, who offered none. The prevailing message remains, “don’t do it.” Your virginity is a treasure to keep, and if you don’t wait, does that mean your love isn’t genuine?
Many of us in youth groups wore our virginity as a badge of honor. Some even sported bands declaring “true love waits” on our ring fingers, awaiting the day they would be replaced with diamond rings. We were indoctrinated with Joshua Harris’ book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, a work the author later disavowed. The book suggested that courtship was God’s desired route for us, leading to awkward limits on physical affection until the wedding night.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with choosing to wait until marriage to have sex, regardless of how outdated some may perceive it to be. The issue lies in the absence of informed consent—consent to establish personal boundaries. Those of us raised with abstinence-only messages were left uninformed.
For me, the True Love Waits movement severely distorted my perception of sex and hindered my ability to cultivate a healthy sexual relationship with myself and my partner. The movement operates on extremes, promoting the idea that one must suppress their sexual urges until marriage, yet failing to clearly define what constitutes acceptable behavior. Consequently, many youth group members engaged in activities like oral sex while believing they were still adhering to the rules. Safe sex practices were never addressed, and as long as no one ended up pregnant, everything was blissfully ignored.
We had little understanding of our own bodies. Discussions about masturbation, the significance of well-woman exams, STD screenings, or birth control were non-existent. Like in Bridgerton, we were led to believe that sex would be abundant and fulfilling with our true love after marriage. Unfortunately, this ideal rarely reflects reality. Girls raised in purity culture often lacked knowledge about their bodies, what an orgasm is, or that experiencing one is entirely natural and healthy.
The church was quick to condemn homosexuality, divorce, and premarital sex, spending so much time outlining what we shouldn’t do that there was scant discussion about what was acceptable. We were taught to suppress lustful thoughts while girls were instructed to dress modestly. This narrative implied that girls were responsible for boys’ temptations and that normal sexual desires were sinful. I can’t recount the hours spent poring over the verses our youth leaders had us memorize, trying to reconcile my feelings with the shame imposed by our teachings.
How can we simply switch off the guilt once we marry and enter a sexual relationship without any doubt or shame? The answer is, it’s nearly impossible. After being taught that sex is a mystery, a gift, a responsibility, and a sin outside of marriage, stepping into a lifelong commitment and being told to enjoy sex can lead to significant confusion.
It has taken me years to unlearn the miseducation surrounding sex. Overcoming the embarrassment, confusion, and difficulty that came with these lessons is not a quick process. We can’t just flick a switch and suddenly have a healthy, enjoyable sexual life—whether with ourselves or a partner.
I feel a sense of resentment towards purity culture and the lack of sexual education that robbed me and my peers of valuable experiences. What did we miss because we couldn’t shake the belief that our desires for sex were wrong? All we can do now is work through our pasts and strive toward a future where we don’t pass on these damaging lessons to our children. One thing is clear: the True Love Waits movement offered little truth and no genuine love.
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Summary
Growing up during the True Love Waits movement significantly distorted my understanding of sex and relationships. The lack of comprehensive sexual education, combined with purity culture’s rigid teachings, left me and many peers unprepared for healthy sexual experiences. Recognizing this impact has been a long journey, and it’s essential to ensure future generations receive accurate, positive messages about their bodies and relationships.
Keyphrase
True Love Waits Movement and Its Impact on Sexual Education
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