When I turned 41 last August, I found myself on a long-awaited getaway with my partner and our two boys, exploring the majestic Redwoods in Northern California. I felt a sense of hopefulness – I had treated myself to a hair color refresh, work was manageable, and we had somehow kept it together six months into the pandemic. I had even rediscovered my passion for writing after years of being consumed with parenting. The fall rolled in, filled with the warm scents of cinnamon, homemade pumpkin donuts, and a favorable election result. In the back of my mind, I believed things would improve, that by the holidays we would be on an upward trajectory, even if I knew that was somewhat naive. Yet, Thanksgiving came and went, a surge in cases sent us crashing back to reality, and 2021 arrived dragging along the heavy baggage of the previous year. Here we are, still stuck, with the promise of vaccines overshadowed by new variants and the dream of in-person schooling fading away.
Somewhere along this prolonged COVID journey, I began to feel the weight of age settling in. My sedentary lifestyle led to sciatica, deeper wrinkles appeared, gray hairs started popping up in unsightly places, and just last week, my doctor’s note confirmed my fears: “Your labs indicate elevated cholesterol; I’m going to start you on a statin and we’ll re-evaluate in two months.” Well, that was a wake-up call.
I always imagined I might be the type to experience a mid-life crisis. I often find myself ruminating over whether I chose the right career path, if I’d be happier pursuing something more creative, or if having children was a mistake (even though they have enriched my life immeasurably). Being confined at home with no end in sight – no school events, dinners out, or vacations to look forward to – leaves me questioning, “Is this all there is?”
In my 20s and 30s, it felt like I had ages to figure out my path and find happiness, and I often thought I had. When I married my husband at 31, it seemed the world was our oyster; we could travel, pursue exciting careers, and perhaps start a family. Then the years sped by: travel, pregnancy, toddlers, buying and selling homes, and suddenly we hit a COVID brick wall and have been stalled ever since. Now, as I sit atop this metaphorical wall, I reflect on the years since my oldest was born and wonder, “What happened? I can barely recall it” and peer into the future, questioning, “Is there more to come? Or are we stuck in this limbo forever?”
Time continues to march on, evidenced by the days flying by on my calendar and the holidays that come and go. Yet, it feels like nothing changes, and each day blends into the next. Sometimes, I fear I may remain perched on this wall indefinitely.
Recently, while driving with my sister, she shared, “I was on a fascinating Zoom call with some friends. Six of my female friends vented about feeling frustrated with work, relationships, and their living situations. One is considering relocating across the country but fears she may never return to San Francisco. Another just ended a three-year relationship. Everyone seems to be struggling right now.”
My husband and I have begun contemplating a move back east, lamenting the high cost of living in the Bay Area while several friends have already left due to skyrocketing home prices and wildfire smoke. Zillow browsing became my new hobby as a distraction from the news, and I found myself obsessed with the idea of searching for a new home and a fresh start. After a brief escape to the mountains, the crisp, cold air jolted me awake from my fog. My confused mind led me to believe that I needed to uproot my life to find progress, fearing I would stagnate if I didn’t take immediate action.
In the car, I confided to my sister, “I feel like I’m facing a COVID mid-life crisis.” I had just reassured her that we likely wouldn’t be moving, which relieved her. “Look at me – I almost sold my house and ran away!”
During the early days of the pandemic, many tackled their own versions of a COVID crisis by picking up new hobbies. “I’ll learn to bake bread!” became a popular mantra. Millions bought exercise equipment in a bid to escape reality. Others embarked on home renovations or panic-bought furniture to redecorate their spaces.
In this bewildered state, I often find myself chopping carrots or stirring soup in the kitchen, questioning why I feel this persistent sense of dissatisfaction. I have so much to be grateful for: my children, my home, my family. Why am I feeling this way? I know others are facing much more significant challenges. I sift through work stress, physical discomfort, weight gain, and while those factors certainly weigh on me, they don’t quite explain the underlying unease. My mind fixates on frustrating tasks at work, and then I find myself scrolling through Zillow again, searching for something better or perhaps just, different?
So, the question remains – should I do something drastic, uproot my family, and buy a farm in Oregon just to feel a change? Should I seek work that will ignite a dormant part of my brain and make me look forward to the day ahead? Should I plan a vacation for six months down the road and hope it actually happens? I need to clear this mental roadblock that distracts me and compels me to search obsessively for a solution. Or should I practice gratitude for what I have and accept that there may not be a perfect answer?
We are all grappling with this void, seeking something, anything, to alleviate that familiar sense of anxiety and emptiness. Logically, I know there must be an end to this. But for now, I’ll sit on my wall, scrolling through Zillow.
For more insights, check out one of our other blog posts on navigating these feelings during challenging times. If you’re considering home insemination, you can find valuable information at Make a Mom. Additionally, for a deeper understanding of pregnancy and home insemination, visit this excellent resource on What to Expect During Your First IUI.
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In summary, the pandemic has led many of us to reflect on our lives, questioning our choices and aspirations. As we navigate these complex emotions, it’s essential to find ways to engage with our feelings and explore potential paths forward, whether that means a drastic change or a renewed appreciation for what we have.
Keyphrase: COVID Mid-Life Crisis
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