We Don’t Have the Right to ‘Gatekeep’ Grief

On February 20, influencer Mia Thompson honored her baby, Max, on what would have been his due date. The model and author has candidly shared her experience of losing a pregnancy at 20 weeks, and her openness has provided comfort to many who have endured similar heartache. However, this honesty has also exposed her to the harshest sides of social media, including negativity and, unfortunately, grief gatekeeping.

Multiple news outlets highlighted Mia’s heartfelt post, leading to an influx of comments, some supportive and others less so. One particularly cruel comment stood out: “Poor girl. I don’t care about her at all and enough about your miscarriages, honey I’ve had 2 of them! You’re no different than the rest of us women.”

This remark is appalling for several reasons, particularly the attempt to dismiss Mia’s grief and impose an arbitrary standard of suffering that marginalizes her experience. At its core, this is an act of gatekeeping.

Gatekeeping, as defined by Urban Dictionary, is “when someone takes it upon themselves to decide who does or does not have access or rights to a community or identity.” When it comes to grief, this is a toxic impulse. It’s cruel to tell someone their pain isn’t valid enough to warrant sympathy, transforming suffering into a twisted competition, which it should never be.

I became familiar with grief three years ago, and through that journey, I’ve gathered some important insights related to grief and the harmful nature of gatekeeping:

Grief is not a competition. There’s no prize for who has suffered the most.
Grief is not limited. One person’s heavy grief doesn’t diminish another’s. Just because someone else is expressing their pain doesn’t mean yours is any less valid.
The phrase “at least” is incredibly invalidating. Statements like, “At least he didn’t suffer,” or, “At least you can still get pregnant,” while often well-meaning, serve to gatekeep grief, suggesting that someone’s feelings don’t measure up.

The core message here is simple: we cannot gatekeep grief, whether it’s Mia Thompson’s or anyone else’s. There’s enough room for all of us to mourn.

Gatekeeping grief not only harms the individual but reverberates through the community. When someone, whether a public figure like Mia or not, shares their story, they extend a hand to others who may feel isolated in their suffering. The comment, “You’re no different than the rest of us,” misses the essence of sharing. Mia isn’t seeking to elevate herself or attract attention; she’s simply expressing her truth, reminding others they are not alone.

Experiencing loss can feel incredibly isolating. Realizing that someone else understands even a fraction of your pain can be the lifeline you need. Allowing someone to share their grief doesn’t take away from your own; it often creates a space for more voices to be heard. Conversely, gatekeeping shrinks that space and fosters isolation.

When you’ve navigated grief, your perspective often shifts. Empathy frequently accompanies such experiences. Gatekeeping may stem from a history of being invalidated, leading individuals to lash out at others who share their pain. This cycle is damaging and can be broken through empathy. Gatekeeping does not enhance your deservingness; it reveals much about your capacity for understanding.

Grief and suffering are deeply personal. Each individual experiences them differently, reflecting the infinite ways we love and lose. There is ample space for all expressions of grief, and enough empathy for everyone to take what they need.

For more insights, you can check out this other blog post, and if you are interested in home insemination, Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kit is a leading resource. Additionally, Cleveland Clinic provides excellent information on pregnancy and insemination options.

Summarized Queries:

Keyphrase: Gatekeeping Grief
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