Part of the joy of becoming a parent (or getting a pet) lies in the hope of nurturing a loving relationship that thrives on mutual affection and care. However, reality doesn’t always match our expectations, whether with children or pets. Not every parent-child dynamic blossoms into a close bond, and various shortcomings can sometimes drive a wedge between family members, leading to adult children who turn away from their parents.
When children are young, parents typically have significant influence over their lives—providing for their basic needs, education, and healthcare. While disagreements may arise, children usually remain somewhat dependent on their parents for support. This dynamic shifts dramatically once they reach adulthood. At 18, they can begin to establish their independence, which may include distancing themselves from their parents. This can be especially painful for parents, who may feel ignored or rejected. Here’s what to understand about parental estrangement and some coping strategies if you find yourself in this situation.
Why Do Some Adult Children Ignore Their Parents?
It’s important to note that “ignoring” can mean different things based on individual perspectives. For instance, one adult child may feel that seeing their parent during major holidays is sufficient interaction, whereas the parent might feel neglected. Different family situations can create varying standards of what constitutes good communication.
Research, like that published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, has outlined some signs that suggest estrangement is occurring, such as:
- No contact (in-person or via phone) for over a year.
- Contact occurring less than once a month, with the parent rating the relationship quality low.
Interestingly, a study from the University of Cambridge found that often neither the parent nor the child can pinpoint who initiated the estrangement. Common reasons cited by adult children include:
- Emotional abuse
- Conflicting family role expectations
- Value differences
- Neglect
- Mental health challenges
Conversely, parents often attribute the estrangement to:
- Divorce
- Expectations not aligning
- Traumatic family events
- Mental health concerns
How Do Parents Feel When Rejected?
Parents may experience a whirlwind of emotions when their children ignore them. The pain of rejection can lead to:
- Difficult holidays that feel more sorrowful than joyful.
- A sense of loss, as if mourning someone who has passed.
- Challenges finding caregiving support as they age, when they might wish to rely on their children.
What Should Parents Avoid Saying?
Words spoken during childhood can have lasting effects. To prevent further estrangement, avoid phrases that can invalidate your child’s feelings. Examples of hurtful comments include:
- “Stop being dramatic.”
- “You don’t really feel that way.”
- “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
- “I wish you’d never been born.”
- “Why can’t you do anything right?”
How Often Do Adults Communicate with Their Parents?
According to a CBS News survey, communication expectations vary among adult children. Twenty-four percent believe daily contact with their mothers is necessary, while others think weekly or monthly check-ins are sufficient.
Coping Strategies for Parents
If you’re a parent feeling ignored by your adult child, consider these strategies shared by therapist and parenting expert, Mia Thompson:
- Seek Support: It’s crucial to connect with those who care for you. Whether it’s friends, family, or a support group, reach out to avoid isolation. If needed, don’t hesitate to get professional help.
- Don’t Respond with Anger: While it’s easy to retaliate, keep communication open. Continue reaching out with messages of love and warmth, even if it feels one-sided.
- Manage Your Anger: Understand the reasons behind the estrangement and try to view the situation objectively. This will help lessen the personal nature of the conflict.
- Listen Actively: If you have the opportunity to talk with your child, prioritize listening to their perspective. Reflect on your own actions and recognize that even well-intentioned behavior can hurt.
- Focus on Your Behavior: If reconciliation occurs, concentrate on what you can change moving forward. Let go of past grievances and work on self-improvement.
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Summary
Navigating a relationship with an estranged adult child can be painful for parents, prompting feelings of rejection and sadness. Understanding the reasons behind such estrangements and employing effective coping strategies can help parents manage their emotions and potentially mend their relationship. Continuous support and open communication are key in these challenging situations.
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