When my mother passed away in June 2020, I believed I had endured the worst. She struggled with mental health issues, faced physical ailments, and her battle with alcoholism led her to be neglectful. From the tender age of 12, I found myself having to fend for and raise myself. There was also the pervasive cruelty; she often belittled me, calling me names like “stupid” and “worthless,” even labeling me a mistake.
These are the memories that linger. Yet, following her death, a torrent of additional recollections emerged—memories laden with pain, sadness, and trauma. When the floodgates opened, I felt unprepared, overwhelmed by the rush of hurtful experiences and unfulfilled expectations.
It all began subtly, with seemingly innocuous memories surfacing: a forgotten moment here, a vague feeling of dread there. As a 36-year-old parent, I often find myself reflecting on my own childhood while raising my two kids. I live with anxiety, constantly overthinking and feeling overwhelmed. But these resurfaced memories were different; they were unsettling and sometimes barely recognizable. I knew they were buried deep within my mind.
What Did These Repressed Memories Look Like?
In one instance, I recall being around my daughter’s age—seven or eight—taking a shower with a worn cloth behind a teddy bear-covered curtain. A faint red light flickered outside the bathroom door, and when I peeked out, I saw a video camera aimed at me. I laughed it off, as I often did. But beneath that laughter lay discomfort and anxiety; something felt fundamentally wrong.
In another memory, I was 15, sitting in a dimly lit office with my mother beside me. The psychiatrist suggested family therapy, but my mother scoffed, declaring, “I’m not the one with the problem. She is.” This was a pattern throughout my childhood, with moments of emotional and sexual trauma surfacing as I encounter specific triggers—sensations, feelings, tastes, sounds, and smells.
I now understand that I live with PTSD, which often manifests as intrusive, distressing memories, some of which have been repressed. According to an article on memory by Healthline, significant life events tend to linger in our mind, with some evoking happiness and others sadness. Repressed memories, however, are those we unconsciously forget, typically linked to trauma or distressing events.
Every time these memories resurface, they engulf me. One moment, I’m joyfully playing with my children, and the next, I’m paralyzed by the painful recollections of my past. I can vividly recall the smell of my father’s broken leather belt. Unlike ordinary memories, repressed memories and flashbacks feel tangible and visceral; they are intensely real.
Fortunately, these memories can be managed through therapy, mindfulness, and medication. I rely on antidepressants and antipsychotics to help keep my symptoms in check. When anxiety spikes, I use medications like Xanax to cope with the overwhelming sensations. I also have a variety of self-care strategies: running, hiking, biking, journaling, dancing, drawing, listening to music, and connecting with friends.
Even as I navigate the ongoing surfacing of these memories and learn about my past, having a plan helps ground me during those overwhelming moments.
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In summary, the experience of repressed memories surfacing can be overwhelming and disorienting, often triggering intense emotions and flashbacks. However, with the right support, including therapy and self-care practices, it is possible to manage these experiences and work towards healing.
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