It was a regular date night, driving our trusty minivan around town, trying to agree on a place to eat. The conversation meandered into topics we rarely discuss when the kids are around. I was focused on the road while my partner, Sarah, browsed through Facebook. Suddenly, she held up her phone at a stoplight, revealing a memory from three years prior—a piece I had written titled “I Think About Divorce a Lot, But Not Because I Want One.”
In that article, I opened up about my childhood experiences with divorce. My parents had multiple marriages; my father had been married four times, and my mother was on her third. This tumultuous background made me perceive divorce as a potential outcome of marriage, much like transitioning to a minivan or finally embracing cargo shorts and work polos. Even in a happy relationship, I had come to see divorce as an unavoidable reality.
As I pulled away from the light, Sarah asked if I still thought about divorce. I hesitated. We had been married for nearly 13 years, and for a significant portion of that time, a nagging fear lingered in the back of my mind—that Sarah might leave me. I worried that some unforeseen event or a more charming person could come along, or worse, that I had gradually neglected our marriage without realizing it, leading her to a breaking point.
“For a long time,” I confessed, “I feared that if I didn’t consistently nurture our marriage—buying you flowers, expressing my love daily, listening to you, and pitching in at home—you might decide to leave me.”
Reflecting on my own words, I recognized that my motivation to care for Sarah stemmed largely from this fear of divorce, a sentiment I had inherited from my parents’ experiences. But in that moment, a thought struck me—was this fear truly a healthy motivator?
We parked outside a cozy Italian restaurant near our home, the engine still humming. “Do you still feel that way?” she asked, a hint of curiosity in her voice. “Because I don’t. I don’t worry about divorce anymore. I do things for you out of love.”
Her words made me pause. This isn’t to imply that one should ignore the state of their marriage; divorce is a very real possibility. Yet, as Sarah shared her perspective—doing things for love rather than fear—I began to reconsider my own actions. The last time I bought her flowers, it wasn’t motivated by anxiety but rather the simple desire to bring her joy.
In that moment, it felt as if we had transitioned into a new phase of our relationship. It was no longer about fearing divorce but embracing the fact that we were life partners. I had come to accept this reality profoundly, and the thought of being with someone else felt impossible. It was about compassion and love for someone whose company I cherished.
I know some readers might argue that worrying about divorce is essential to avoiding it. For a long time, I shared that sentiment. I also believe there’s a time for that fear in marriage. Perhaps if my parents had been more conscious of the risks, they would have invested more effort into their relationships during tough times. However, I also recognize that many couples eventually reach a stage where love supersedes fear.
Given the plethora of discussions surrounding divorce online, it’s refreshing to acknowledge that there is a stage in marriage not defined by anxiety. Sarah and I have begun to step into that space where our actions stem from love, understanding, and care for one another.
This doesn’t mean we don’t have disagreements; we do. But our conflicts have shifted from ultimatums to productive conversations about how to resolve our frustrations. This evolution came after navigating the initial hurdles of marriage—late-night spats over chores, insecurities about appearances, and job-related anxieties. It’s a natural progression for couples who genuinely grow together, appreciate each other, and envision their lives intertwined.
Walking into the restaurant, hand in hand, we settled at our table. I finally answered Sarah’s question, “I don’t think about divorce anymore. I just think about you. And that feels pretty great.”
She smiled, and we playfully debated our pizza toppings, because even in this new phase, we still found reasons to bicker over what to eat.
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In summary, overcoming the fear of divorce can lead to a deeper connection in your marriage, allowing love and understanding to flourish.