“Are you alright?” The worried expression on my friend’s face nearly made me chuckle. I was giving her a tour of our new home and had just shown her my husband James’s bedroom, which was decked out with sports memorabilia and superhero decor. To an outsider, it might have seemed like a teenage boy’s domain.
In stark contrast, my bedroom down the hall resembles a glamorous 1920s Hollywood suite. With an elegant dressing table, shimmering fairy lights, and a plethora of decorative candles, it’s a cozy sanctuary.
This year, James and I celebrate thirteen years of marriage, and we are blessed with two wonderful sons. We share a great sense of humor, a passion for food, and a love for movies. Overall, we are quite compatible – except when it comes to sleep.
James prefers to fall asleep with the television blaring and often leaves it on all night. He also has a fish tank in his room, which, while visually appealing, creates a constant bubbling sound. To me, it feels as if I were trying to nap next to a waterfall. Plus, he snores. Loudly. Very loudly. Between the TV, the fish tank, and his snoring, it’s like attempting to sleep in the middle of a bustling city.
As for me, I struggle with insomnia and need complete silence and darkness to sleep. My white noise machine and blackout curtains create a self-imposed isolation chamber to help me drift off.
We love spending time together and make each other incredibly happy. However, when it’s time for sleep, we go our separate ways, reminiscent of the closing time announcement at a bar: “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
Of course, we still have the occasional sleepover and intimate moments, but we genuinely appreciate this arrangement.
Is Sleeping Apart Acceptable?
Although research on this topic is limited, I came across a couple of studies suggesting that sleeping separately can be beneficial. A 2005 National Sleep Foundation report revealed that 23% of couples choose to sleep in separate beds, while a 2017 survey showed that number dropped to 14%. Moreover, a 2013 study from the University of California, Berkeley, indicated that couples often argue more frequently and intensely after a poor night’s sleep.
I consulted with Linda Adams, a licensed clinical social worker in New York specializing in couples therapy, about whether sleeping apart indicates something beyond just a desire for better sleep.
“It depends,” she explained. “Are there other forms of connection and intimacy? Is this a mutual decision? Can you openly discuss it to see if it’s working for you? If both partners are on board with this unconventional arrangement, it can be perfectly fine and may even enhance other aspects of your relationship.”
The crucial factor is that both partners are comfortable with the separate sleep arrangement. According to Linda, issues arise when it’s not a mutual decision. “If it’s not something discussed together or if one partner feels uncomfortable with it, it can lead to problems. A red flag is if this decision stems from a conflict. If sleeping apart is used to create distance without other forms of connection, it can harm intimacy.”
The Importance of Communication
In any relationship, communication is vital. What happens if one partner is eager for their own sleep space while the other is not? Linda advised that if each person can genuinely listen and understand each other’s perspectives, they are much more likely to find a solution that works for both. Practicing active listening—understanding through curiosity rather than trying to persuade—is essential.
“When it’s a form of avoidance,” Linda cautioned, “or if it’s a gateway to divorce, or if parents are indefinitely sleeping with kids, that’s something to watch for.”
For us, my only concern is how our sons perceive this arrangement. I reflect on my own parents’ gradual transition to separate bedrooms. Initially, they shared a large bed, then moved to two separate beds pushed together, followed by separate beds entirely. Over time, they opted for separate rooms altogether and have been happily married for over fifty years.
When I think of them, I don’t focus on where they sleep, but rather on the love and affection they share. I hope our children will feel the same way—knowing their parents love each other and them, regardless of where we choose to sleep.
Ultimately, this setup works for us. While we deeply value our relationship and strive to nurture our marriage, we also recognize the importance of sleep for overall well-being. A good night’s rest helps maintain health, prevents weight gain, and reduces the risk of heart disease. Plus, it keeps me from being the cranky person I can occasionally be – a win-win for everyone!
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In summary, while every couple’s arrangement may differ, the key lies in mutual understanding and communication. Sleeping apart can work well when both partners agree and prioritize their individual needs.
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