I have a cherished photo of my son wearing a bright yellow shirt adorned with a blue glittery seahorse. We’re in Maui, experiencing our first family trip together. He beams up at me, holding a sweaty cup filled with milk in his small hands. His curls cling to his forehead due to the heat, and his cheeks are flushed. Moments before this snapshot, he was on the brink of a significant meltdown.
If you’ve ever traveled with a toddler just shy of two years old—managing to snag a free flight—you know that even the best experiences can be exhausting. As I try to calm my son’s escalating distress over his orange garbage truck, the waitress approaches with a bright smile. Without much thought, I ask, “Could I get some milk in a cup with a straw for him?” as I rummage through my bag.
Just then, my child erupts into screams, overwhelmed and overtired. The waitress chuckles and remarks, “And you probably need a drink!” Without hesitation, and with only a hint more patience than my toddler, I respond firmly, “I don’t drink.”
I don’t mention my journey to sobriety. I don’t share that I’m on a break. I simply declare, “I don’t drink.” This was the first time I’d voiced it to anyone beyond my family. Immediately, I felt a wave of shame and resentment. I regretted my harsh tone. I resented the waitress for making me confront my reality.
As I looked at my son, still clutching his orange garbage truck, the arrival of the milk and some fish tacos made him forget all about his earlier tantrum. Observing him munch happily, I realized that this was more than just a moment of not drinking; it was about breaking a cycle of generational patterns.
I hadn’t had a drink in 22 days, and I felt guilty. Guilty for snapping at the waitress, guilty for my anger toward my sobriety, and guilty for struggling to keep my composure. What I didn’t yet grasp was that I was reshaping my family’s narrative. Just by changing one small detail, I was altering our history.
Instead of drowning my feelings in a cocktail, I chose to sit there, brushing my son’s sweaty curls away from his face and engaging with every little moment. Before I quit drinking, no one would have suspected I had a problem. I kept my drinking well-hidden, enjoying a glass of wine at dinner or a couple of cocktails at social gatherings. But inside, I was slowly deteriorating—a spiritual decline that made it difficult to face my own reflection or connect with my son.
When I made the decision to quit, there was no clear point for others to justify their own drinking habits. There was no narrative that allowed them to say, “At least I’m not like that.” There’s a gap in language for those like me, who quietly suffer without exhibiting classic signs of alcoholism.
The wine mom culture had led me to believe that children were merely to be endured until the socially acceptable hour for drinking arrived. I didn’t want to just survive my time with my son; I wanted to thrive. This realization birthed uncomfortable questions: What if I could engage with my child without numbing my experience? What if I could sit with all his emotions—even during his biggest meltdowns—without dulling my own feelings? What if I refused to see my life as something to escape?
At that time, my sobriety felt delicate, but it gradually became more robust: less defensive, more assured. Gazing at a sea of drinks adorned with tiny umbrellas, I battled feelings of unfairness over this inheritance. Yet, I pulled my son and his garbage truck into my lap.
In that moment, with the music of vacationers in the background, I was breaking generations of numbness. I was choosing to stop harming myself and to embrace every feeling, every experience.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the author’s journey to sobriety as a profound gift to her son. Through a personal narrative, she explores the challenges of parenting while managing her relationship with alcohol and highlights the importance of breaking generational curses. Her decision to stop drinking and fully engage with her child marks a significant transformation in their family history.
Keyphrase: Stopping drinking for my child
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