When I was expecting my first child, I remember uttering the phrase, “All I want is a healthy baby.” It might have slipped out during discussions about my birth plan or when asked about my preferences for a boy or girl. At that time, I genuinely believed that as long as we both returned home in good health, nothing else truly mattered.
However, following a traumatic birth experience, that phrase morphed into a painful reminder of my emotional turmoil. I discovered that it’s possible to have a healthy baby and still carry a heavy heart. When friends and family learned about my ordeal, many tried to diminish my suffering by insisting, “Well, you have a healthy baby, and that’s what counts.” But they missed the mark.
Certainly, my experience could have been worse, and I’m immensely grateful that neither my son nor I faced any lasting physical issues from his difficult entry into the world. Yet, just because I didn’t encounter the worst-case scenario doesn’t negate the very real pain I felt. In the realm of pregnancy and childbirth, far more factors matter than just having a healthy baby.
As a birthing individual, I deserved support during a time that felt incredibly vulnerable and frightening. It was terrifying to be in labor, feeling unheard and unseen. Regardless of how informed I was about the birthing process, unexpected situations can arise, and it’s crucial to feel that medical professionals are attuned to your needs. The lasting impact of feeling ignored can linger long after the birth itself.
My son, while perfect in health, couldn’t erase the trauma I experienced. The distress from overhearing conversations in the operating room while I was under anesthesia and the regret from a surgical decision that altered my ability to give birth as I had envisioned weighed heavily on me. I vividly remember my husband rushing out of the room in panic when our baby was unexpectedly taken to the NICU. Yes, we had a healthy baby, but I mattered too, and during that critical time, my wellbeing felt completely overlooked.
It took five years for me to confront the surgeon who played a role in my trauma. He didn’t recall me, but his actions left an indelible mark on my perception of my body and the birthing process.
The notion that “a healthy baby is all that matters” fails to acknowledge the complexity of childbirth. Sometimes, babies are born with health challenges, and their parents’ experiences matter just as much. I spoke with Sarah Adams, a mother of three from Austin, Texas, who faced a life-threatening diagnosis for her newborn son. Upon first seeing her son, she recognized something was wrong. “I knew he wasn’t well,” she shared. “I didn’t voice my concerns until later, but deep down, I understood.”
Doctors soon confirmed Sarah’s fears: her baby had a serious heart condition. As they navigated this life-altering diagnosis, Sarah felt a mix of love and fear for her precious child. Her journey through her son’s health issues was filled with uncertainty, yet it also deepened her appreciation for the life she was gifted.
After successful treatment, Sarah reflected on her hopes when she was pregnant. “I always wished for a healthy baby. But even when challenges arose, I wouldn’t trade my son for anything,” she said. “The phrase ‘all that matters is a healthy baby’ doesn’t resonate with me. My baby’s worth is beyond just his health.”
While wishing for a healthy child is a natural hope for expectant parents, it’s important to be mindful of how we express this wish. It can serve as a default response, especially when navigating conversations about gender preferences. However, we mustn’t undermine the experiences of those who have faced trauma during childbirth or those whose babies are born with known health conditions. Every parent deserves to feel supported and seen, regardless of their child’s health status.
For more on navigating the complexities of childbirth and family planning, you can check out this related blog post. Additionally, for those exploring home insemination options, Make a Mom offers valuable resources. For further information about treating infertility, visit ACOG.