Throughout the years, I’ve often listened to married female friends share their humorous yet exasperating anecdotes about their husbands’ bewildering expectations of married life. These stories frequently revolve around husbands believing that their wives would now handle various household chores, like laundry, cooking, and cleaning, simply because they tied the knot.
Why Do These Perceptions Persist?
Why do so many heterosexual men still perceive marriage as a ticket to offload their chores? While we have made strides toward gender equality, a significant imbalance in household responsibilities remains. It seems many young men grow up with the notion that marriage equates to having a maid or personal assistant. The attitude often appears to be, “What a relief! She’ll take care of the laundry, giving me more free time.”
Anecdotal evidence is widespread, and studies confirm these observations. For instance, as of 2012, married women in the U.S. were completing twice as much household work as their husbands. Despite more women entering the workforce, they are still dedicating more time to childcare than they did in the 1960s. This trend worsened during the pandemic, with Pew Research revealing that in 2019, 49% of men and only 39% of women felt chores were divided fairly. By 2020, this shifted to 55% of men and 38% of women. Notably, 59% of women reported doing more housework compared to only 20% of men.
These discrepancies are alarming. They suggest that many partnered men assume all is well, while a significant number of their wives and girlfriends may be fantasizing about smothering them with a pillow in their sleep.
Changing the Mindset
It’s hard to fathom that newlywed men still turn to their working wives a few weeks after the wedding, asking if she has washed his favorite shirt or why the house is a mess. Too many young men enter marriage with the belief that they are gaining a helper, rather than understanding that marriage entails shared responsibilities — and with kids, that workload multiplies.
How can we change this mindset? It requires more than just verbal communication. Could it be that young people still witness these dynamics in their homes growing up? Perhaps all the discussions about gender equality can’t reverse 18 years of seeing their mothers manage the bulk of household tasks while their fathers remain uninvolved.
In my own upbringing, my father would often arrive home from work well before my mother. He occasionally helped with dishes, but I have no memories of him vacuuming or folding laundry. I vividly recall my mother’s frustration as she prepared dinner after a long day at her job. Despite working more hours than my dad, she took on almost all household responsibilities until my sister and I were old enough to contribute. In contrast, my ex-husband had never done chores growing up and initially expected me to manage the home. My experience motivated me to avoid becoming like my mother, who often appeared overwhelmed and frustrated.
Now, I have a teenage son who can be quite messy. In a parenting group, I often see mothers venting about their sons’ untidy habits. When my son’s room becomes too messy, I impose a gaming ban until he cleans. I remind him, “One day, you’ll be someone’s roommate or partner. Don’t be the guy who needs training!” It’s crucial that he leaves my house with the understanding that he must contribute to household chores.
In my household, all members share responsibilities, reinforcing the idea that everyone must pitch in. No newlywed man should assume he has married a caretaker, just as no woman should realize she has married someone with a lackadaisical approach to shared duties.
Further Reading
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- How to teach boys about household responsibilities
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In summary, it’s vital to reshape boys’ expectations surrounding marriage and household roles. By modeling equitable responsibilities and fostering a sense of accountability, we can help future generations cultivate healthier partnerships.
Keyphrase: Revising Boys’ Expectations of Marriage
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