As we age, our memories often blur or fade, yet a few vivid recollections remain etched in our minds. One such memory is from a family friend’s 40th birthday celebration, where her loved ones organized a delightful “Card Your Yard” surprise, complete with black and white cow decorations and signs proclaiming, “Lordy, Lordy, look who’s 40!” I was enchanted by this clever celebration of a significant milestone. That night at her intimate gathering, filled with wine, party hats, games, and infectious laughter, I absorbed every moment like a sponge. Even before I hit puberty or stepped foot in high school, I knew I was eagerly anticipating my own 40th birthday.
Reflecting on my journey, I recognize that each birthday leading up to 40 marked a significant point in my life. At 16, I learned to drive; at 18, I embraced adulthood and headed to college; and at 21, I celebrated being of legal drinking age. By 30, I felt I was finally carving out my path, not to mention, I was getting married. Each birthday celebration seemed to surpass the last, all serving a purpose in my life’s journey. However, I had always kept my eyes on the milestone of 40, with every birthday serving as a buildup to this grand occasion.
I began planning my 40th birthday celebration the moment I turned 36. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism for the inevitable aging, but to me, turning 40 felt exhilarating and monumental. I envisioned a fabulous celebration in Las Vegas, specifically at the Bellagio. Naturally, I imagined a penthouse suite overlooking the fountain, adorned in glitzy sequined outfits and sipping cocktails. I pictured myself confidently strolling the Strip and through the casinos, soaking in the vibrant atmosphere, all while celebrating myself for those three glorious days.
Adding to the excitement, my 40th birthday coincided with my 10th wedding anniversary, further amplifying my weekend celebration plans. I envisioned a magical last night in a stunning floor-length white gown, sparkling and figure-hugging, while my husband donned his favorite suit. Together, we would renew our vows at a semi-sleazy chapel with Elvis Presley officiating, surrounded by friends who would cheer and laugh as we pledged our love once more.
As I recount these dreams, I can almost feel the joy emanating from them. Yet, it pains me to acknowledge that this memory remains unfulfilled. I turn 40 in just a few weeks…in 2021…amid a global pandemic. All my aspirations have transformed into mere fantasies, and like countless others around the world, my plans have been upended or completely canceled.
Weddings, anniversaries, graduations, and milestone birthdays have all been turned upside down. It’s a collective experience shared by many, as humanity grapples with the impact of a deadly virus. While I empathize with those facing more significant losses, I can’t help but feel a sense of grief for my own situation. I wish I could simply embrace the notion of celebrating later, but in this moment, I find it hard to shake off the sadness.
It feels necessary to mourn this loss, to process these emotions, and figure out how to move forward. I know that more birthdays will come, and my logical side reassures me of that. But right now, the weight of disappointment is heavy.
I’ve discussed my feelings with my husband, family, friends, and even my therapist, seeking ways to alleviate this superficial heartache. While options like Zoom parties or small outdoor gatherings exist, none seem to measure up to my original vision. Acceptance is my only path forward.
My personal sacrifice pales in comparison to the struggles faced by many during these trying times. So, I plan to use that awareness to fuel my resilience, focusing on gratitude for my healthy family. I will do my part to combat this virus and eagerly await the day when I’m vaccinated, boarding a plane with my husband and friends, wearing a sequined dress and holding a cocktail en route to Las Vegas.
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In summary, while I had grand aspirations for my 40th birthday, the reality of a global pandemic has transformed those dreams into bittersweet memories. I am learning to navigate my emotions and focus on gratitude, awaiting a brighter future filled with new celebrations.
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