One Monday evening, my husband returned home, sat me down, and disclosed a series of infidelities. While he hadn’t committed any illegal acts, he had undeniably violated our marriage vows. He had been unfaithful with strangers, men, and even female friends of mine. This behavior had persisted throughout his adult life, much of which he had spent dating or married to me.
He expressed regret for his actions, saying he felt as though two conflicting individuals resided within him—one who loved our family and another who acted on these impulses. He described it as a dark shadow, akin to the fictional character Dexter, but instead of murder, he sought out sexual encounters. He claimed he wanted to change and was willing to do whatever it took to salvage our marriage.
After he finished speaking, I simply said, “You’re a sex addict.”
How Did I Recognize This?
David Duchovny. I had come across an article in a doctor’s office about the “X-Files” and “Californication” star and his journey to recovery from sex addiction. The article explained that sex addiction is a psychological condition often rooted in childhood trauma. My husband had his own trauma and struggled with depression and anxiety. He wasn’t a monster; he was facing a mental health crisis.
For reasons I can’t fully explain, I didn’t want to leave at that moment. I was angry and hurt, but I didn’t feel the need to walk out. I loved him, and he was in pain. I believe addiction is an illness and that those who suffer from it deserve a chance to heal. I wanted to support him, even though I was utterly devastated and unsure of what to do next.
My Response to This Emotional Upheaval
My response to this emotional upheaval was to research and learn. Over the next five years, we both put in a lot of effort. If you suspect that your partner might be a sex addict, or if they disclose this to you, there are numerous support options available. My hope is that my experience can guide you on your own path forward.
First and foremost, you are not obligated to stay. It’s perfectly acceptable to leave if that’s what you feel you need. However, if you choose to remain and work through this together, here are some steps you can take:
Get Help for the Addict
A starting point could be Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, SAA meetings are widely available and often held in community spaces. If your partner is in a crisis or feeling suicidal, seek immediate professional help from resources like the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. My husband didn’t fully reveal the depth of his depression until later, but we quickly found him a therapist and he began attending SAA meetings where he connected with a sponsor who provided support.
There are therapists who specialize in sex addiction. You can search through websites or use Google to find “Sex Addiction Therapists Near Me.” Many of these therapists also host support groups, often divided by gender, and may facilitate sessions for couples.
It’s crucial to address a sensitive topic: sex addiction can involve various forms, including porn addiction and pedophilia, which are serious legal offenses. If you discover your partner has engaged in illegal activities, prioritize your safety and the safety of your children, and report such behavior to the authorities. Additionally, be aware that sex addiction can sometimes correlate with sexual assault, so seek help and report any abuse.
Get Help for Yourself
Receiving such a disclosure can lead to a mental health crisis for you. I felt utterly shattered, unable to eat or sleep, and struggling with memory loss. I had never encountered emotional trauma like this before, and the person I usually relied on for support was the one causing my pain.
Don’t hesitate to reach out to anonymous hotlines for support, and seek a mental health professional as soon as possible. Therapists who specialize in assisting partners of sex addicts can be invaluable. I attended a support group for spouses of sex addicts, which provided me with strength, love, and encouragement from women who understood my struggles.
Get Help Together
Both partners should get tested for STDs without delay, regardless of any reassurances from your spouse. My husband had been donating blood, which I thought was altruistic, but it was actually a means of regular health checks. He quickly got comprehensive STD tests and shared the results with me. If you’re uncomfortable visiting your usual doctor, consider Planned Parenthood.
Couples therapy can also be beneficial when you’re ready. Look for a therapist who specializes in sex addiction or one whose approach resonates with you. My husband was initially resistant to couples therapy after attending SAA and individual sessions, but we were determined to put in the effort and explored several options.
Sex addiction presents unique challenges. Unlike alcoholism or drug addiction, which require complete abstinence, a sex addict must learn to engage with intimacy in a healthy manner. It’s essential to seek help in rebuilding intimacy in your relationship.
Educate Yourself About Addiction
Understanding addiction and the brain’s mechanics can help you differentiate between a moral failing and a disease. Watching films like “Thank You for Sharing” can offer insights into the realities of sex addiction recovery. Read literature, listen to podcasts, and engage with people knowledgeable about these issues.
Communicate Openly
This is where my husband and I faltered. He felt deep shame and wanted to keep everything hidden, while I was embarrassed to admit that I was the wife of someone who cheated. This secrecy was a mistake. As seen in the case of Dax Shepard, a recovering addict needs to acknowledge their addiction. Secrets enable addiction to thrive. While you shouldn’t feel pressured to disclose everything, I encourage you and your partner to strive for transparency with those you trust. If your partner insists on secrecy, consider that a form of emotional abuse. If you suspect you’re facing domestic violence, seek help.
After five years of therapy and work, my husband ultimately decided he no longer wanted to be an addict. He didn’t want to confront his guilt or shame, nor did he want to accept that he was not in control of his addiction. I found it impossible to trust him again; my belief that he loved me had eroded. I was right—he left.
The pain I felt after he left was profound. Only after our marriage ended did I begin to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Talking with friends and family illuminated the fact that my husband had not been committed to recovery; he had stopped attending SAA, discarded his recovery materials, and quit seeing his therapist. He even blamed me for our intimacy issues, attempting to manipulate my feelings once more.
I refused to accept this narrative. I no longer wanted to “make it work.” Although it broke my heart to dismantle our family, I moved forward with the divorce without resistance. I researched my options and managed to exit with some dignity and financial stability, thanks to the support of my loved ones and a good attorney.
Conclusion
I share the conclusion of my marital journey to emphasize the importance of the insights I’ve provided. Despite the end of my marriage, the experience taught me how to navigate my own health and well-being. I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn about addiction, which helped me recognize that my husband wasn’t committed to recovery or our marriage, making it easier to let go.
Many women in my support group chose to stay with their husbands through recovery and relapse, while others opted for divorce. Your outcome is not predetermined, but both partners must be invested in the healing process and committed to honesty. Going through such experiences is humbling, but they offer the potential to emerge stronger both individually and as a couple.
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Summary
The article recounts a personal experience of being married to a sex addict, detailing the emotional turmoil and steps taken towards healing. It offers practical advice for those facing similar situations, emphasizing the importance of seeking help for both the addict and the partner. The narrative underscores the complexities of addiction, the necessity for open communication, and the potential for personal growth and recovery, regardless of the outcome of the relationship.
Keyphrase: sex addiction recovery
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