It’s 2 AM, and my little one wakes up crying. I glance at my phone and start the countdown, aiming for five minutes—a tip from a supposed sleep expert. Yet, I rarely make it that long; the sound of her whimpers pulls at my heart. So, I move on to the next steps: cranking up the sound machine (check), placing my hand on her chest (check), gently rocking her in the crib (check), and finally, picking her up to rock her (check). These methods only work half the time. Most nights, I succumb to nursing her. As I cradle her against me, I feel the tension seep from her tiny body, and within 15 minutes, she’s peacefully asleep again. Still, each time I do this, I feel defeated. I’ve let her down by needing to feed her, failing to help her sleep independently.
In my quest to be a well-informed parent, I’ve absorbed countless tips from sleep consultants. A common theme is that nursing or rocking your baby to sleep creates sleep associations—crutches that will keep your child dependent on you for years. Who wants that when all I crave is a few uninterrupted hours of slumber? I could sleep during her longest evening nap, but that would mean sacrificing those precious moments of adult activities—dinner, a TV show, indulging in dark chocolate—that have become sacred in my new life.
A facilitator from one of my mom groups reminds us that sleep coaches, despite their best intentions, are selling a product. For exhausted parents, the promise of a restful night’s sleep is as tempting as any drug. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling that if I just try harder, read another book, or stick to the program more closely, I might finally see results.
However, as I navigate these early days, it’s clear that what we’re taught about infant sleep norms often clashes with our instincts as parents. After all, aren’t warmth, snuggles, and nursing what babies naturally seek, regardless of whether they’re genuinely hungry or capable of sleeping through the night? If that’s the case, who am I to deny her these comforts? I struggle with self-soothing myself, having yet to fully master the skill at 35 (thanks to countless nights of pregnancy insomnia), so how can I expect a 4-month-old to do it?
We’re often told to sleep apart from our babies (ideally in another room), minimize nighttime awakenings, and avoid rocking them to sleep. Nursing them to sleep is discouraged, as they should only need sustenance; seeking comfort from nursing is deemed problematic. Indeed, there’s pressure to wean them as soon as possible. We hear that if we don’t train them to sleep, it will hinder their brain development and lead to obesity. Sleeping together in a bed is labeled as wrong and dangerous—something to avoid at all costs. And yes, the effects of sleep deprivation are real.
Yet, this perspective is predominantly Western—especially in the United States. It reflects valid safety concerns regarding bed-sharing, paired with societal expectations of what constitutes a “good” baby who can sleep independently and adhere to adult schedules.
The safety concerns surrounding bed-sharing encompass a range of issues: unhealthy habits (like smoking or substance use), Western-style bedding (soft mattresses, large comforters, fluffy pillows), and the baby’s prematurity. However, these factors are not universally applicable to all families. Interestingly, SIDS rates vary globally; for instance, Japan has high rates of bed-sharing yet some of the lowest SIDS rates.
In many cultures, co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand throughout the day and night are the norms. It makes sense—historically, babies would have slept close to their mothers. Ancient nomadic tribes surely didn’t carry cribs with them. While this approach might lead to more nighttime awakenings, it can also be more restful than the constant back-and-forth to a crib.
I recall a discussion with a friend of my mother’s from Japan, who raised her kids in the U.S. but followed the Japanese tradition of co-sleeping on a firm futon. She mentioned that babies instinctively wake up to nurse or simply sense their mother’s presence, making it easier to soothe them when they’re near. “When I co-slept with my kids,” she shared, “they calmed just from my heartbeat or warmth. Honestly, I can’t remember feeling too troubled by nighttime wake-ups.”
I see the merits of sleep training, especially in a world where work and responsibilities demand early mornings. But I wonder, who are these mothers with the stamina and resolve to implement a sleep plan after months of sleep deprivation? Are they the same ones who can sleep whenever their baby does? (That seems like a fantasy for anyone with adult responsibilities.)
I can plan and strategize during the day, but come nighttime, all my intentions unravel. I yearn for sleep, yet I’m deeply attuned to her needs. One night, I tried a sleep training method, and while she eventually stopped crying and fell asleep, I felt hollow as a mother afterward.
I’ve spoken with friends about their experiences. Their responses vary. Only one seemed to have mastered sleep training. Another’s baby slept well, but she suspects it may have been sheer luck. One friend attempted a cry-it-out method, resulting in tears for all involved. Another insists on co-sleeping for the ease of breastfeeding. One medical professional shared that she co-slept with her babies but later employed a no-cry method. She acknowledged that while the data clearly indicates that bed-sharing can be unsafe with certain risk factors, without those conditions, the risks are less clear-cut.
Ultimately, I’m still uncertain about the right approach—whether to sleep train or respond to my baby’s needs. For now, when she wakes up crying, I choose to heed her call and go to her side. I could spend countless hours trying to calm her while she cries, adjusting the sound machine, or replacing a lost pacifier. Or I can spend ten minutes every few hours holding and feeding her. If she’s particularly distressed, I’ll lie her down beside me in bed. I watch her body relax, and soon we’re both asleep, like babies.
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Summary:
This article explores the challenges and complexities of sleep training an infant, highlighting the emotional turmoil parents face while trying to adhere to societal expectations. It contrasts conventional Western advice with cultural practices that embrace co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand, ultimately questioning the effectiveness and necessity of structured sleep training methods. The author reflects on personal experiences, offering insights from friends and cultural perspectives while grappling with the balance between parental instincts and expert recommendations.
Keyphrase: Sleep Training Challenges
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