Every day, my oldest child serves as my natural alarm clock. Since the pandemic began and he transitioned to remote learning, he has maintained his early-rising routine. An early bird by nature, I’ve never had to worry about him being late.
Even after earning his driver’s license, he took charge of driving his younger siblings to school, making sure they were ready, warming up the car, and eager to set off. We often watch the news together while I exercise and he enjoys breakfast before diving into his classes.
This morning, I was startled to see him leave the house before 6:30 AM — we were out of milk, and he headed to the store to grab some. His love for structure and routine means I usually know what to expect from him. He possesses a unique sense of humor that can both infuriate and amuse me simultaneously.
Since my divorce, he has taken on extra responsibilities around the house. He’s learned to operate the riding mower, doesn’t mind clearing the snow from our driveway, and keeps the washer fluid topped up in my car. Although I never intended for him to feel this burden — no child should have to bear the weight of being the “man” of the house — it’s just part of who he is.
As he approaches his senior year of high school, the reality of him departing soon is hitting me hard. I can hardly fathom the void he will leave in our home. I’m not one to minimize my feelings; I know I must let them wash over me. Honestly, I’ve dreaded this day since his birth. From the moment he entered my life, everything changed, and I can’t go back to what life was like before I became his mother.
I’ve had the privilege of seeing him every day since then. I’ve never had to endure long stretches apart from him, and he hasn’t ventured into a separate world without me. The thought of waking up and not hearing him shuffle to the bathroom or call out as he grabs his keys to head to work is unbearable.
His departure will create a void that will be challenging for all of us to adjust to. The oldest child often leads the way, setting an example for their siblings, whether asked to or not. They’re the ones who profoundly shape your journey through motherhood, sharing countless firsts together, creating an unbreakable bond.
I know I’ll see him again, and our love will remain strong as he embarks on this new chapter of independence. But I also know things will change forever. I wish I could freeze time.
People often mention Empty Nest Syndrome, citing the difficulty of letting go. Yet, they seldom discuss the deep anguish that accompanies it. Just the thought of it now brings a physical ache to my heart. How are mothers supposed to cope with this? When will I come to terms with the absence of a significant part of our family? When will we adjust to the new reality of having one less person in our lives?
It feels as though there is ample time with our children — until suddenly, it’s just around the corner. You find yourself filled with anxiety as the day approaches when your oldest will leave, and it is not a pleasant feeling.
My oldest contributes so much to our family, often without realizing it. He brings an irreplaceable dynamic to our household. Just like all the other milestones we’ve navigated together, we’ll face this change too. He will thrive, while I may struggle, but that’s one of the harsh truths of motherhood: it’s often the mom who bears the brunt of it, regardless of readiness.
If you’re looking for more insights on parenting and family dynamics, check out this blog post here.
Summary
As my eldest child approaches the end of high school and prepares to leave home, I find myself grappling with the emotional void his departure will create. While I understand he will thrive in his new independence, the reality of change and loss weighs heavily on me as a mother. I cherish our shared experiences and worry about adjusting to life without him daily.
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