My daughter was just three years old when we had our first discussion about race. She returned from her preschool, visibly upset after a classmate commented that her brown skin “looked like poop.” I was at a loss for words and felt like crying. Luckily, my mother, a retired teacher, stepped in. “Do you know what else is brown?” she asked. “Chocolate, and chocolate chip cookies — we all love those!” We shared a laugh (because, well, poop) and then indulged in some chocolate chip cookies. This emotionally charged moment highlights two crucial realities I face as the parent of Black children. First, I have to address race with my children at an alarmingly young age. Second, the white friends, acquaintances, and their children in our lives significantly influence how my kids perceive themselves. It’s an understatement to say we need to work together. We are partners.
I am biracial. My father was a Black professional athlete from a large family in western Pennsylvania, while my mother is white and Jewish from the Boston area. I married a Black man, and until we relocated to a suburb near New York City in September, we were raising three Black children — aged 8, 6, and 4 — in Manhattan.
Growing up just outside Boston, I attended a predominantly white private school for thirteen years, spending my days on a sprawling campus and my weekends at a mostly Black Boys and Girls club playing basketball. My style ranged from L.L. Bean shoes and rugby shirts to Nike Dunks and basketball shorts. Despite navigating these two worlds, and identifying as a mixed-race Jewish woman, my mom instilled in me early on that the world would always see me as a Black woman — or more specifically, as “not white.”
In June, as thousands protested against police violence toward Black individuals, many of my white childhood friends reached out. One asked me what I was telling my children about the current racial climate. She expressed uncertainty about how to approach the topic with her four kids in Manhattan. I appreciated her vulnerability and humility, and it reassured me that I had friends who cared enough to ask: “If you could design the conversation that white parents have with their kids, what would it look like?”
I am certain every parent of a Black child has had “The Talk” – we don’t have a choice. However, much of the progress we need hinges on white parents having a conversation of their own. We share this responsibility.
After three months of lockdown in our two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side, we rented a house in a suburb of Manhattan in June. As we drove into the driveway, our collective sigh of relief was probably audible to friends back in the city. Life here appeared largely unaffected by the pandemic, protests, or politics — everything that shaped history in that moment. Neighbors knocked on doors without masks, inviting each other to gather outside, and wiping down groceries felt like a thing of the past. I realized that this sense of normalcy is a privilege many of my friends raising children outside the city enjoy, while many of my friends inside the city do not. Yet again, I found myself straddling two worlds — only this time with a clearer self-identity, a greater sense of responsibility as a mother, and a deep urgency amidst the country’s racial turmoil.
Every family must decide how to approach race with their children, but ignoring it or teaching them to be “colorblind” perpetuates the dismissal of a history of systemic racism that we must confront now. Clearly, white parents won’t have the same talk that Black parents do. However, a commitment by white parents to engage in this dialogue can foster a foundation of tolerance, acceptance, and understanding that will educate their children while also protecting mine from the unintended consequences of racial bias.
As a multiracial woman raising Black children in a predominantly white environment, I urge my white friends to start talking to their kids about race. Here are my thoughts on how to begin:
- Read Books That Teach History: Humanize the Black experience. Share stories that provide context for the struggles we face today. You don’t need to know exactly what to say; sometimes, it’s easier to start tough conversations with someone else’s words. Choose books that highlight historical figures who have impacted racial history and social justice.
- Teach Kids in Unexpected Ways: My daughters often wear shirts featuring icons like Harriet Tubman, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Maya Angelou. Through clothing, they engage with significant historical figures. Utilize educational content in their screen time that is both enjoyable and informative.
- Unify Through Listening and Action: We have a unique responsibility to guide our Black children through a world filled with mixed messages. White parents have the power to cultivate listeners and allies. Seek out inclusive organizations and discuss these choices with your kids.
- Demonstrate That It’s Everyone’s Fight: Focus on our shared humanity. Movements for justice require collaboration. When my children witnessed protests and marches, I highlighted the diverse crowds demonstrating for change.
- Practice the Golden Rule: The most important lesson in discussing race is about humanity itself. Teach your children to treat others the way they want to be treated.
When we become open about our country’s racial history, normalize conversations about race, and commit to working together, we can raise educated and empathetic children who will advocate for the change our world desperately needs. We cannot afford to wait.
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Summary:
This article emphasizes the importance of white parents engaging in conversations about race with their children to foster understanding and acceptance. It encourages reading books that teach history, creative ways to impart knowledge, and the need for unity in the fight against systemic racism. By normalizing discussions around race and promoting empathy, we can help raise a generation that advocates for change.
Keyphrase: Talking about race with children
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