In late December, I shared a brief post on social media discussing a disagreement I had with my daughter about giving her mother some much-needed alone time. I mentioned how my partner and I prioritize three hours each week for ourselves, and I was amazed by the flood of responses I received, especially from women who had experienced divorce or were navigating one. Many expressed that they never had the opportunity to enjoy personal time and realized just how essential it is. One mother’s comment struck a chord with me: “Men often wonder why women seem to lack time for them; it’s because they don’t have time for themselves. You can’t pour from an empty vessel.”
Let me be clear: nothing is more vital for the health of a relationship, especially with young children, than dedicated alone time. Kids are incredible, full of joy and laughter, but they can also be overwhelming and draining. Both my partner and I recognized this early on, and it has become a foundation of our relationship.
This arrangement is not complicated. Simply approach your partner and say, “I’ll take care of the kids one evening each week so you can unwind, and I’d like you to do the same for me.” Then, create a schedule that works for both of you.
We follow a three-hour guideline: my partner, Lisa, takes Thursday evenings after dinner. We typically eat at 5 PM, and I handle the cleanup and bedtime routine by 8:30 PM. I make it clear to the kids that if they need anything during the night, they should come to me. Lisa usually ends up with more than three hours because she’s a night owl. I take Sunday afternoons, from around 1 PM to 4 PM. Admittedly, it was easier before COVID-19, when we could go out, but it’s still manageable with a good lock on the bedroom door.
This arrangement has worked for us for years. We’ve adjusted the schedule as needed, but the key is to adhere to the agreement. Protect that time fiercely; you deserve it. And advocate for your partner to have theirs too, as this is about mutual respect. You can’t claim your own time without ensuring your partner also gets theirs.
For the dads out there: your kids might want to see their mom, so it’s crucial to engage them, ensuring they respect her downtime. I set clear boundaries with my children, often reminding them, “It’s mom’s time; let her relax.” Whether it’s a drive, a hike, or a movie, keep them entertained. I actually enjoy those evenings with the kids, and over time, they will learn that their mom deserves her time just like anyone else. Remember, you can’t ask for your own time if you’re not facilitating it for her. And please, no expecting favors in return, no interruptions, and definitely no showing irritation when your partner comes back. Keeping the household running smoothly while they take a break is crucial; nothing spoils a solo moment like returning to an unkempt home.
Above all, it’s essential to discuss this topic as a couple, setting ground rules and expectations to find what works best for you both. Giving each other the gift of personal time is invaluable, especially during these challenging times when finding solitude might feel like a breath of fresh air. Now is the perfect moment to prioritize this.
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In summary, carving out dedicated alone time is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, especially when caring for children. By firmly establishing a routine that allows each partner to recharge, couples can strengthen their bond and enhance their family life.
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